I wrote birthmama, S, another letter yesterday and I must admit it is getting harder and harder. This is the fourth letter I've written since A's birth. I like to think that she can't wait to get the package in the mail, read the letter, look at the pictures, marvel at how happy we all look.....and be confident over and over again in her decision. Sigh. For all I know she may have never opened a single one. Maybe it's too hard. I would understand that.
We have one way communication. I know nothing more than that she and her daughter have an apartment, in a certain city, and she found a good job. Grateful to know even that much, I try to remind myself that I knew it would be this way. We send letters and pictures to update and reassure her that he's doing well. There is no obligation on the other end. Today I am longing to know more. To know her. For him. I am afraid we will lose touch. That the agency will eventually tell us that the packages keep coming back and that she has not called to update her address. I know several families in that situation and the agency pretty much told us to expect it. In time, they say, that's just what happens.
Ok, so I'm going to admit something that you might judge me for. I watch the show, "Teen Mom." One couple that is featured placed their baby for adoption at birth. On this week's episode, they had their first meeting with their daughter and her parents. It hurt my heart to watch, even though it was a very positive thing for them all. There was redemption evident, but the cost is so high.
And of course it makes me think about us. I don't have much faith that A will meet S. It saddens me. And then it relieves me. And then it breaks my heart. For some reason that God only knows, we have been called to not only be A's parents, but to try to minister to the heart of his birthmama. With each letter we try to remind her of God's great big love for her and her daughter mixed with details like how A is a super-drooler and has a smile as big as his face :). I feel guilty sometimes. Sometimes I feel like the replacement. That she should have been his mother.
We will keep sending letters and pictures every month for another couple of months, then every three months indefinitely. I would love to hear back from her....but I'm not counting it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Having It All
I was going to get a pedicure today. Had an appointment and everything. But God, as He does, spoke to me yesterday afternoon. Through Facebook. A friend posted a link to this blog:
http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/
One of the entries shows pictures of her five adopted children interspersed with pictures of stuff and vacation destinations. In the entry she says she would choose those kiddos "again and again and again" over the stuff. I can get whiny and irritated and downright resentful at how much adoption costs. Maybe there is reform that is needed; I can't say I've researched it enough to have an educated opinion. But something I read in this blog hit me square. I think that we, as Christians especially, want to "have it all."
It's a different kind of "have it all" than "the world." (boy, I'm using a lot of quotation marks) And that's dangerous. See, I think the kind of thing I'm guilty of is wanting to have it all in that I truly do want to help others, adopt a child, and generally save the world, if you will. But I ALSO want to wear cute clothes, have a nice haircut, live in a home that I'm proud of and send my kids to private school. I want it all.
Today I'm thinking about just how much, or what, I'm willing to give up for the sake of something else that really matters. So for today I canceled the pedicure and put that money in a jar. I wonder how much I could save if I did this with the new clothes I want, the dinners out, the venti latte....you get the idea. How long would it take to save the tens of thousands of dollars it takes to adopt with this method?
Frankly, I'm kind of tired of "having it all." Even the Christian version. I feel a challenge coming on. Anyone in?
http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/
One of the entries shows pictures of her five adopted children interspersed with pictures of stuff and vacation destinations. In the entry she says she would choose those kiddos "again and again and again" over the stuff. I can get whiny and irritated and downright resentful at how much adoption costs. Maybe there is reform that is needed; I can't say I've researched it enough to have an educated opinion. But something I read in this blog hit me square. I think that we, as Christians especially, want to "have it all."
It's a different kind of "have it all" than "the world." (boy, I'm using a lot of quotation marks) And that's dangerous. See, I think the kind of thing I'm guilty of is wanting to have it all in that I truly do want to help others, adopt a child, and generally save the world, if you will. But I ALSO want to wear cute clothes, have a nice haircut, live in a home that I'm proud of and send my kids to private school. I want it all.
Today I'm thinking about just how much, or what, I'm willing to give up for the sake of something else that really matters. So for today I canceled the pedicure and put that money in a jar. I wonder how much I could save if I did this with the new clothes I want, the dinners out, the venti latte....you get the idea. How long would it take to save the tens of thousands of dollars it takes to adopt with this method?
Frankly, I'm kind of tired of "having it all." Even the Christian version. I feel a challenge coming on. Anyone in?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Less Like Breakdown
Well, this past week was rough. For whatever reasons I just kind of had a meltdown midweek that had me wondering what in the world we are doing. I know that other people feel this way, too, but when you're in that moment it just feels like you're the only one. Parenting is hard work. So is working, being married, maintaining friendships, and trying to bear witness to God's goodness through action. Life, in short, is hard. And for whatever reason, this week the hardness of life outweighed the beauty (at least in my own head...) and I went over the edge a little bit. My poor hubby. Unfortunately he is the recipient of said breakdown emotional outbursts and the i-can't-deal-with-life-anymore monologues. Because I can get it together pretty well for other people. I mean, I functioned at work this week and saw some people socially who (i don't think, anyway) didn't really wonder what the bleep was wrong with me. Or maybe they did.
I am in a better place today. A song I love has come into my head. Sara Groves wrote it and there are a few great lines. Indulge me while I quote:
Every day it's
Less like tearing more like building
Less like captive more like willing
Less like breakdown more like surrender
Less like haunting more like remember
And the song just has me thinking that I can use the same emotions to break down that I can to just surrender. I cannot do life on my own. We cannot parent these four kids on our own (Lord help us and them if we try!) Period. When I try it just gets worse and the people around me get beat up. It is not the way of Jesus to think we need to have it all "together." There has been no time in my life when I've felt less "together" than now.
I can't say that I feel exactly grateful for the breakdown. But it does lead me to a place of knowing I need to trust Him with my life. Surrendering to my all-knowing-all-loving God sure sounds better to me at this point. We'll see how this week goes.
I am in a better place today. A song I love has come into my head. Sara Groves wrote it and there are a few great lines. Indulge me while I quote:
Every day it's
Less like tearing more like building
Less like captive more like willing
Less like breakdown more like surrender
Less like haunting more like remember
And the song just has me thinking that I can use the same emotions to break down that I can to just surrender. I cannot do life on my own. We cannot parent these four kids on our own (Lord help us and them if we try!) Period. When I try it just gets worse and the people around me get beat up. It is not the way of Jesus to think we need to have it all "together." There has been no time in my life when I've felt less "together" than now.
I can't say that I feel exactly grateful for the breakdown. But it does lead me to a place of knowing I need to trust Him with my life. Surrendering to my all-knowing-all-loving God sure sounds better to me at this point. We'll see how this week goes.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
We Get To Be
Last Sunday I had the chance to briefly talk about our experience with adoption and how we felt God moving us. A "burning bush moment," if you will. The message in church was on Moses, going about his every day thing, minding his own business, and then God shows up in the form of a burning bush :) Haha. Makes me smile because I really feel like that's what happened to me/us in late January of this year. I have been made aware that I kind of just jumped into this blogging thing in the middle of our journey. Some of you don't know the whole backstory and want to (!). That will have to wait for another post because I have my sweet babe in my arms as I type and that's not one I can just quickly shoot out one handed...
Yesterday I was reminded by the Indigo Girls (love 'em) that, "We get to be a ripple in the water. We get to be a rock that's thrown." Somehow, by the grace of God (and I truly mean that because I was just a blubbering idiot up front and really don't even know what I said... sigh) my telling a little bit about our story touched some people and a few came up to me afterwards wanting to talk adoption in more detail. Kinda feel like God took us and threw us into the adoption water. If, through us stumbling towards obedience there are some ripples happening, then to God be all the glory! Nothing would make me happier than to see more children, birthmamas, and families of all types come to know the love of God more richly through adoption.
Yesterday I was reminded by the Indigo Girls (love 'em) that, "We get to be a ripple in the water. We get to be a rock that's thrown." Somehow, by the grace of God (and I truly mean that because I was just a blubbering idiot up front and really don't even know what I said... sigh) my telling a little bit about our story touched some people and a few came up to me afterwards wanting to talk adoption in more detail. Kinda feel like God took us and threw us into the adoption water. If, through us stumbling towards obedience there are some ripples happening, then to God be all the glory! Nothing would make me happier than to see more children, birthmamas, and families of all types come to know the love of God more richly through adoption.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
He Knows Me
So last night, 4 a.m. to be exact (which is still technically night, right?), my sweet babe had finally fallen asleep on my chest while we were both on the couch. As I was praying that he would start to sleep better I started wondering what God was trying to teach us in this tough transition and sleep deprived period. Then it hit me.
Asher knows me.
We have really been struggling to get him to go back to sleep in his crib after night time feedings. He can be up and awake for hours sometimes. He'll do this little grunting uncomfortable sound and not really cry, but not sleep either. It was after one of those periods that I finally thought, "whatever. I am going to sleep with this baby and if he starts to think that's the only way he can sleep, I DON'T CARE!" So picking him up out of his bouncy seat and laying him on my chest, his little grunts finally subsided and he started, well, sleeping like a baby. (sidebar: weird saying that is since most babies don't sleep worth crap).
I did not carry my son in my womb for nine months. My skin is a different color than his. And yet, he knows ME and is comforted by ME. I am and forever will be his mommy. And that gives me a big, sleep-deprived smile :).
Asher knows me.
We have really been struggling to get him to go back to sleep in his crib after night time feedings. He can be up and awake for hours sometimes. He'll do this little grunting uncomfortable sound and not really cry, but not sleep either. It was after one of those periods that I finally thought, "whatever. I am going to sleep with this baby and if he starts to think that's the only way he can sleep, I DON'T CARE!" So picking him up out of his bouncy seat and laying him on my chest, his little grunts finally subsided and he started, well, sleeping like a baby. (sidebar: weird saying that is since most babies don't sleep worth crap).
I did not carry my son in my womb for nine months. My skin is a different color than his. And yet, he knows ME and is comforted by ME. I am and forever will be his mommy. And that gives me a big, sleep-deprived smile :).
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Sad
*Profanity disclaimer for the easily offended. Read at your own risk*
I know, I know. This blog has taken a turn for the negative. Sigh. This morning, however, there's no other emotion I can conjure up and the babies are all sleeping, so this is what you get. My kids would say, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!"
My little brother is a police detective in Tampa, Florida. This past week they lost two officer's lives when they were shot at close range during a traffic stop. The guy turned out to be involved in a previous homicide, the way I understand it. Only last night, after a four day man hunt, was he taken into custody. One officer had four young boys. The other's wife was 9 months pregnant. The funeral for these two men is this morning. I just sent my brother a text and he and his wife are at the funeral now, which is just about to begin. Thousands are expected to attend.
So I've had several questions for my God this week. They kind of vary in the exact nature, but the overriding question is, of course, "Why?" How in any way is God allowing this to happen pointing to His goodness? Maybe it's not. Maybe it's just a glaring, horrible, f@#$ing, sh@##y reminder that sin is in our world and God help us all. As a mother I cannot help but tear up when I think of those children and those two moms who will now raise those kids alone and have to work through not only their own grief, but that of their children. This is not the way it's supposed to be.
And then there's the fear. I have done a pretty great job over the past 10 years, or so, just ignoring the danger facing my little brother on a daily basis. Even though he's done much undercover work and entered crazy situations, I've been able to keep the danger at arm's length. This past week I have not. Knowing he was involved in the search for the killer had me praying harder than ever before for his safety. And also wishing he were an accountant. (no offense, honey) The police dept. is lucky to have him and the good people of Tampa are safer for him there. He is the best of the best at what he does, I am sure. I have always maintained that he is the ONLY person I can think of who has never once complained about his job. He was made to do this.
And so it comes back to trust. I cannot pretend to say that I trust the life of my brother will be safe because I pray or believe in God. And I don't think it's true, anyway. We're not promised that. But can I trust that God is good? Can I trust that He knows what He's doing? Can I trust him with the lives of those I love? My life?
It's a decision every day.
I know, I know. This blog has taken a turn for the negative. Sigh. This morning, however, there's no other emotion I can conjure up and the babies are all sleeping, so this is what you get. My kids would say, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!"
My little brother is a police detective in Tampa, Florida. This past week they lost two officer's lives when they were shot at close range during a traffic stop. The guy turned out to be involved in a previous homicide, the way I understand it. Only last night, after a four day man hunt, was he taken into custody. One officer had four young boys. The other's wife was 9 months pregnant. The funeral for these two men is this morning. I just sent my brother a text and he and his wife are at the funeral now, which is just about to begin. Thousands are expected to attend.
So I've had several questions for my God this week. They kind of vary in the exact nature, but the overriding question is, of course, "Why?" How in any way is God allowing this to happen pointing to His goodness? Maybe it's not. Maybe it's just a glaring, horrible, f@#$ing, sh@##y reminder that sin is in our world and God help us all. As a mother I cannot help but tear up when I think of those children and those two moms who will now raise those kids alone and have to work through not only their own grief, but that of their children. This is not the way it's supposed to be.
And then there's the fear. I have done a pretty great job over the past 10 years, or so, just ignoring the danger facing my little brother on a daily basis. Even though he's done much undercover work and entered crazy situations, I've been able to keep the danger at arm's length. This past week I have not. Knowing he was involved in the search for the killer had me praying harder than ever before for his safety. And also wishing he were an accountant. (no offense, honey) The police dept. is lucky to have him and the good people of Tampa are safer for him there. He is the best of the best at what he does, I am sure. I have always maintained that he is the ONLY person I can think of who has never once complained about his job. He was made to do this.
And so it comes back to trust. I cannot pretend to say that I trust the life of my brother will be safe because I pray or believe in God. And I don't think it's true, anyway. We're not promised that. But can I trust that God is good? Can I trust that He knows what He's doing? Can I trust him with the lives of those I love? My life?
It's a decision every day.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tired But Not Destroyed
This may not be the best day to update a blog, but the 3 big kids are busy watching a movie and little one is napping, so no time like the present. Our beautiful boy is four weeks old today! Already! The stinker kept me up for at least two hours straight last night, all wide-eyed and gassy smiles (him, not me). And I AM TIRED.
A was born right at the beginning of summer vacation for the big kids, which has also presented some challenges and I suspect has added to my foul mood at times. Wow. That sounds kind of horrible to say/type. I think that having a newborn while simultaneously trying to adjust everyone to a new routine (or lack thereof if I'm honest) has not been one of my shining moments as a parent. Sigh. I really wish I was one of those moms who just loves summer vacation with their kids because they get to just play and hang out at the pool and eat popsicles and sleep in. I am definitely not there yet. My typical summer day has consisted of trying to keep the boys from killing each other, trying to explain to my eight year old that no, I am NOT lying to him just because plans change, and if we're lucky reminding the kids to practice their piano and do their chores. Oh yeah, and also trying to get A on a schedule while still getting the big kids to swimming lessons and playdates. I have had some times of panic when I realize I don't really have anything planned as far as activities go for the next while. And I'm looking forward to going back to work a couple of days a week....
I don't THINK the above makes me a bad mom. Truly I love all those little rugrats and would give both arms and legs for them if it ever proved necessary. Sometimes I'm feeling that I can't really complain about this, though, now that we've had our fourth child. I mean, we chose to have this many kids for heaven's sakes! To complain about how it can be exhausting seems....well....kind of wrong. And like I'd get a lot of "I told you so" looks, or at least "I thought you'd feel that way after you had him" looks. So I'll just complain via blog and then all of you who might be reading this can give your disapproving looks to your computer screen instead :).
And I'm brought back to the message our pastor gave that started this whole business of us adopting...he said that sometimes following God rather than our own plans can be excruciating. Excruciating. Again feel a little like a mom is not supposed to say that about parenting....but...
Insert that song "I Will Survive." You know, the one that someone ALWAYS sings at karaoke? Granted all of the words do not apply. Really only the chorus. And actually I will do more than survive; I'm just being a whiner. There are the moments in every day that are just plain great. Moments where I think that I made some good decisions, did some good parenting, and have totally amazing kids! And moments where I can see that adopting A was completely right and good. Love that little munchkin. :)
A bit of awesome news: A's birthmama is now out of the shelter and in an apartment with her daughter! She already found a job and is making some good decisions to get life back on track. I can't explain how happy this makes us. This week I'm sending her the first set of pictures and a letter updating her on how A is doing....
Wow. I'm kind of babbling again and this is turning into a very long post. Lots more thoughts swirling around in the brain. But I will stop since my loving and lovely hubby just suggested that it's my turn to take a nap! Only a fool would refuse that...
A was born right at the beginning of summer vacation for the big kids, which has also presented some challenges and I suspect has added to my foul mood at times. Wow. That sounds kind of horrible to say/type. I think that having a newborn while simultaneously trying to adjust everyone to a new routine (or lack thereof if I'm honest) has not been one of my shining moments as a parent. Sigh. I really wish I was one of those moms who just loves summer vacation with their kids because they get to just play and hang out at the pool and eat popsicles and sleep in. I am definitely not there yet. My typical summer day has consisted of trying to keep the boys from killing each other, trying to explain to my eight year old that no, I am NOT lying to him just because plans change, and if we're lucky reminding the kids to practice their piano and do their chores. Oh yeah, and also trying to get A on a schedule while still getting the big kids to swimming lessons and playdates. I have had some times of panic when I realize I don't really have anything planned as far as activities go for the next while. And I'm looking forward to going back to work a couple of days a week....
I don't THINK the above makes me a bad mom. Truly I love all those little rugrats and would give both arms and legs for them if it ever proved necessary. Sometimes I'm feeling that I can't really complain about this, though, now that we've had our fourth child. I mean, we chose to have this many kids for heaven's sakes! To complain about how it can be exhausting seems....well....kind of wrong. And like I'd get a lot of "I told you so" looks, or at least "I thought you'd feel that way after you had him" looks. So I'll just complain via blog and then all of you who might be reading this can give your disapproving looks to your computer screen instead :).
And I'm brought back to the message our pastor gave that started this whole business of us adopting...he said that sometimes following God rather than our own plans can be excruciating. Excruciating. Again feel a little like a mom is not supposed to say that about parenting....but...
Insert that song "I Will Survive." You know, the one that someone ALWAYS sings at karaoke? Granted all of the words do not apply. Really only the chorus. And actually I will do more than survive; I'm just being a whiner. There are the moments in every day that are just plain great. Moments where I think that I made some good decisions, did some good parenting, and have totally amazing kids! And moments where I can see that adopting A was completely right and good. Love that little munchkin. :)
A bit of awesome news: A's birthmama is now out of the shelter and in an apartment with her daughter! She already found a job and is making some good decisions to get life back on track. I can't explain how happy this makes us. This week I'm sending her the first set of pictures and a letter updating her on how A is doing....
Wow. I'm kind of babbling again and this is turning into a very long post. Lots more thoughts swirling around in the brain. But I will stop since my loving and lovely hubby just suggested that it's my turn to take a nap! Only a fool would refuse that...
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