Real

It came on Thursday of this week and I still can't quite believe it. The amazing orphanage where our children currently live, sent little boy's handprints and a Thanksgiving picture made from little girl's hand and feet tracings! It was providential, I believe, that God allowed me to come home after work to an empty house to open this package and soak it in. My other children would probably have wondered why a paper turkey would make mama cry like that. I was so thankful to have a few minutes to just trace their little hand outlines with my finger, knowing that these two are REAL! This proves it!
I know that probably sounds really weird. I mean, of course they are real. We have pictures of them both, along with medical information, social background, and information about their birthmother. We email the agency and orphanage adoption coordinator often and hubby's second cousin is even the nurse there. Of course I know that these two are real. But somehow having evidence of the actual size of their little hands and feet, on paper they touched and worked with, just hit my heart in a new way. My two children in Haiti are real. And they made Thanksgiving crafts for us. Thinking about it still chokes me up.
God keeps giving and giving. We've now been told to expect a 1-2 YEAR wait until our children can come home. Just when that seems unimaginable and I want to kick my feet and shout at the sky that it's really not fair, something like this happens. Something to make me remember just who holds it all together. Again, why do I doubt my God? My God who holds all people, all time, all everything in his loving hands. Including me. Including my family, even though we are apart.

Yes, my children in Haiti are real. And so is my God! Amen.

Ode to the Heroes

I think that I have many heroes, really. They have come in various ways throughout my life, some staying for a whole long while and some breezing in and out. Some are here for a lifetime. The heroes I'm thanking God today for, however, are some friends we like to call, "The Subzero Heroes!"

It's a brilliant idea, really. And one SUPERhero actually had the tenacity to plan and call upon and summon the details to actually work into something amazing.

Here's how it works. There are usually 10 or 11 of us and we each make 12 family size portions of the same meal, all of which can be frozen and pulled out when needed. Then we get together on a Friday night at SUPERhero's house and swap them all out.... except for the extra 10 or 11 that we give away to neighbors or friends or people having babies. So each month, I get the glorious opportunity to come home with 10 or 11 homemade, nutritious, delicious, made with love meals :). Happy happy happy dance! I think every month I say that it feels like Christmas.

And yes, maybe I have turned into my mother. Who cares. My mother rocks. And she utilized our freezer to it's very fullest. So here I am with my family of 6 (soon to be 8... gulp), trying to work 20 ish hours a week and still keep the homefront running. Can I just tell you that these heroes are an integral part of that? To know that I could go to my freezer right now and pull out an amazing soup, casserole, marinated chicken, etc. for dinner tomorrow night, and the next, and the next, seriously makes my heart smile.

But the best part, to me, is that I know these women. The hands that have made these meals belong to brilliant, compassionate, interesting women that truly care about me and my family. And when my family sits down to dinner and there is food before us made by those hands, we can thank God for providing food and friends and true community that groups up together to help bear each other's burdens. Even if that burden is just getting a healthy dinner on the table.

Thank you, heroes! You know who you are :)

Love and Loss

I am sitting here at my desk, a framed picture of C and L right beside me. These two, for whom we have prayed many weeks, live a world away in Haiti and it is a bit surreal.

This week we were officially matched with them and part of me wants to shout out and introduce our community to our new son and daughter! But today there's a bigger part of me that is sad and fearful and questioning God.

Our family knows from experience, as many families do, that nothing is for sure when it comes to adoption. All of our hearts were broken in May, 2010, when Gabrieal was born but did not come home with us to be our son as we anticipated he would. Working through that pain with our big kids was harder than most things we've had to do as parents.

And the fear is creeping up again. In them and in me. Yes, I'm attached to these two lovelies in Haiti that I hope will be my son and daughter. But I can't fully embrace it just yet. The what ifs are too great. I did not think we would have birthmother angst when we started this international adoption process. Maybe naively, I didn't think we would adopt a child or children who have a living parent.

So there's that. C and L have a mother who is placing them for adoption because she is very ill and very poor and very young and doesn't know what would happen to them if and when she dies. That is the ugly truth.

So even though we are confident she has been counseled thoroughly on what this means, I still fear that she will change her mind. And honestly, if she could, I would want her to parent her two children! But if that is going to happen, I just don't know if I can take the four kids I have here in the US with me through the heartbreak again. I do know the chances are extremely small that she would change her mind.... but it's happened to us before. Sigh.

And even if their mother does not change her mind, what if the country of Haiti shuts down adoptions altogether while we wait? How do we deal with that?

So today, I look at those precious two faces next to me and wonder if it could really be true that they will be mine one day. This song just came on and, well, pretty much broke me down... again. Here's the lyrics that cut right through me:

Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves


Adoption is "love like a hurricane" as another lyric of this song puts it. Hurricanes are not fun. Not pretty. Not peaceful. And can be very very scary. Adoption is a messy, sloppy, wet kiss. But a kiss, nonetheless. I have to trust that He's loving me, and my kids, not despite the storm---but by sending his love directly to us in the form of the hurricane called adoption.

And when it all comes down, I don't have time to maintain these regrets. So we will try to be all in. Love these two as our own from this day on, even knowing that there is risk. And I'm going to try to remember that He uses all things. All things.

What God Will Do (the longest blog post ever...)

I have not blogged in a very long time. Many, many blog entries have been composed in my head, however! I considered blogging around May 12 but was too down in the dumps to do it. Had a really hard time around the birthday of Gabrieal, our "almost son" in Indiana. If you don't know that story and are interested, there are several posts about it in May, 2010.

Very shortly after adopting our son, we determined we would adopt again. But, let me tell you, the amount of clarity we had with adopting Asher has been very much lacking this time around. We have kind of floundered around thinking it should be foster/adopt, international, newborn through our agency.... all the while looking for, begging God to give us peace and direction.

I have joked with some of you that my only hobby is stalking adoption blogs and photolisting websites for kids available for adoption. Some of you are also blogstalkers, and I know you understand :). For the rest of you, it's kind of hard to explain. I think to some it might seem like "shopping" for a child or something. That sounds repulsive. When I have been looking at all these beautiful children available for adoption God has done two things: 1)my heart is more and more broken for the orphan and 2) He has directed me to intercede in prayer for a few that have really touched my heart.

The really cool thing is that several children our family has prayed for, based only on a picture and short description, are no longer listed on the site! I am choosing to believe that means they have found their families :).

In my blog hopping, I always check our agency's website for available situations, too. They normally have just newborns, but occasionally will have toddlers available to place. A few weeks ago I saw that a 2 1/2 year old was being placed. I got in touch with the agency and it was a whirlwind of communication and hubby and I trying to decide if we could really do this--- and soon!!. That situation fell through quite rapidly as the mother placed the child with his grandmother. But the following day the agency told me about a 3 year old that would be placed! We were all in by then and agreed that we would like for our profile to be shown to the birthmother. Well.... that situation didn't work out either and the child was not placed for adoption after all.

So we've been in this place a bit of feeling like we're open to God and will walk through doors until he closes them. But it hasn't been easy. I, in particular, am not patient. I would very much prefer God to just make something happen quickly rather than wait on His timing. Usually I think my timing is better. So dumb.

I have continued, to my husband's dismay, to pursue my hobby with passion :). Never stopped checking the photolistings, praying for the kids and orphanages, foster homes and parents adopting. But mostly just for the kids. And truthfully I always kind of suspected and hoped that someone would catch my eye and I'd know, without doubt, that he or she was OURS.

Here's where it gets good.

I was looking at the Reece's Rainbow site, which I don't look at very often. Historically it has shown and raised awareness for children with Down Syndrome, mainly from European countries. Since we have felt drawn to adopt another brown skinned beauty, I have never felt that I would "find" our next child on this site.

Then I saw the three of them.

Thalia, Kenny, and Calvin (photolisting names, but not their real names). Three children with the most beautiful brown skin, available for adoption, with special needs. My heart skipped, I showed my hubby......and he sort of grunted and rolled his eyes. He has not been in a place to really consider adding to the family and is always worried when I show him pictures that I'm going to say---there he/she is! Our child!

I may or may not have just gone ahead and sent an email to Reece's Rainbow, inquiring about one of the children...without my hubby's knowledge....

The next day (4th of July holiday) I received an email back! Of course, the general information I asked about was included, but so were five additional pictures and a complete bio of the child. Man oh man. They know when they've got ya. Yes, I got attached, and yes, I thought she was possibly ours.

But I had that little problem of letting hubby in on it...

I asked him that morning if he wanted more information about the child who's picture I showed him the night before. He begrudgingly agreed and we started talking more seroiusly about possibly adopting internationally, and possibly this child.

In the email they mentioned Children Of the Promise. I had no idea what that was, but in consulting "The Google," found out that it is the orphanage where these three sweeties live. Of course I had to see if youtube would have anything to offer....and found a 10 minute video about the orphanage.

I also found out that it was started by the Bonnemas from Prinsburg,MN. Stop. What?

Yup. Bonnema is my husband's grandmother's maiden name. She grew up in Prinsburg. It is a town of 300. Two hours from where hubby grew up. Weird.

So then my MIL reminded us that her brother and sis in law lived in Prinsburg and would take trips to this country frequently with their daughter. Could it be to this orphanage?

Why yes, it could, and is.

They have not been there since the three sweeties arrived, so don't know them personally, but told us about the orphanage and how great it is :)

Then, it gets even better. Just wait!

Through the day M reminded me that his best friend growing up and his family also live in Prinsburg. Maybe they have heard of this place? Text message sent asking if they've heard of Children of the Promise.

M's friend called right back and left a voicemail something to the effect of, "We need to talk soon...." Ok....

We called back and found out that yes, they do know about the orphanage. In fact, they just got back a few days prior from spending a month there with their kids!!! They not only know the little sweeties, but have helped care for and play with them!!!

And.....

.....also are considering adopting the same sweetie that had melted our hearts :)

Now really, what are the odds? (I'm sure my accountant hubs would like to figure this out, but I can just tell you, the odds are ginormous!!!) We both found the same child in a different country by two totally different means and both feel the possible call to adopt her!

So now what? Well.... we're all praying and praying. For clarity, for her, for peace, for her, for eachother, for HER. There is a measure of sadness that I have because I thought she was ours. I am beginning to think she is theirs.

But I know one thing for sure. God loves this little girl and she's gonna have one amazing story about two best friends who grew up together in a small town, and found her across the world in completely different ways. And WANTED her. She is loved and wanted and the four of us will make sure she ends up in one of our homes.

As for our family.... well, God has done it again. He has narrowed our focus in and pointed us to a specific country, a specific orphanage, and a specific special need. Whether this sweetie is ours or not, we will keep walking through these doors and, if not her, hope to bring one of her buddies from the orphanage home to us very soon.

Only God could orchestrate this. His humor and timing are the best :)