The Gift

They came today only 2 days after I ordered them online! Over the weekend, one of my goals was to find some type of gift for the yet-to-be-determined birthmother of our child. What does one give as a thank you for the gift of a child? The task seemed overwhelming, but I knew I wanted something to express our gratitude and love to the woman that gave our baby life. It did seem a little weird to be ordering something when we have not been matched yet...But the reality that we could be matched very quickly with a birthmom that could be due any day made me want to have something in hand, ready for that moment.

What I finally found, after probably cumulative hours of looking, was a necklace. It is simple and beautiful, consisting of two silver circles intertwined. I decided to get two. One is for me and one is for the birthmom. To me, these necklaces symbolize the way our lives will forever be intertwined through our child, no matter what type of contact we have with her in the future.

I have no idea if our birthmom will like or appreciate this gift. We know nothing about her yet. I feel a sense of relief, however, that even if we were called tomorrow, matched with a baby born that same day, I would have something special to give our birthmom. And I really hope she does like it.

It's Already Taking A Village

Since we decided to adopt, Mitch and I have had many times when we look at each other and say, "What are we thinking?" If we didn't feel so strongly that this is God's plan and not ours, we might just bag the whole thing. I mean, our three kids overwhelm us at times. Adding a fourth? We might be nuts.

But here's the thing: We have a village. Take our oldest son's birthday party this past weekend. We planned to have 17 boys ages 5-8 to our house, then take them to a dinosaur park that is 45 minutes away. It seemed to take all our might just to get the silly evite out in time, figure out the guest list, and sort of plan the cake (a dinosaur era timeline....long story). So by the time the actual party day rolled around, we still hadn't solidified which grownups would 1)drive all those kids to the park, 2) be willing to also keep track of them with us at said park and 3) lend us kid hauling vehicles to drive said kids to said park. Very last minute we made a few calls and ended up with one grandma's minivan, sister's suburban, other grandma driving and lending minivan, and twenty-something bachelor friend agreeing to drive and kid-wrangle. Oh, yeah. We also needed to get rid of the three year old, so sent her with suburban-lending sister.

The party was GREAT! Oldest son loved it and we didn't even lose one kid. Our village came through with flying colors.....again. And since the party (only 3 days ago,) there have already been more instances where we've been bailed out by the village.

Sometimes we feel guilty that running our family requires this village. It can feel like we aren't good enough parents to keep it all afloat on our own. But we are deeply grateful all in the same breath. Our family is so much better for the village! So here's a shout out to our village people. You know who you are and we hope you know how much you are loved and appreciated. Speaking of the village, kid 2 and 3 are being dropped off by grandma as we speak.....

Deja Vu

I was kind of neurotic on Tuesday. The agency website lists "available situations" of babies that are to be born soon and have not been matched yet. On Tuesday there was a baby listed that was born on Sunday at 31 weeks gestation. He was doing well, but expected to be in the NICU for 4-5 more weeks. I couldn't get a hold of Mitch, so just decided to call the agency for more information and to tell them we were interested in this situation if the birth mother would be interested in us! Well......after 3 phone calls and 2 e-mails to two different people, I was frustrated. I mean how long does it take to quickly return an e-mail, right? THEY were the ones that put this baby's information on the website, actively looking for a family, right?

Then an e-mail and a phone call yesterday put me in my place. As it happens, the premature baby situation is very tricky as the birth mom spent 2 weeks in the hospital pre-delivery and without insurance. The hospital bill is very high (like $50,000) and in most adoptive cases, the adoptive family pays the medical bills of the birthmother. The social workers at the agency have been very busy trying to work this out as it would be extremely difficult to find adoptive parents that could afford this in addition to the regular adoption costs.....

The team at the agency ALSO had another mom deliver early this week and are working on finding placements for about 8 other babies. Additionally, a woman walked in to the agency yesterday with her 4 month old son, desiring to place him for adoption.

The crew at Heart to Heart has been BUSY. Understatement. And they DO care and apologized for not getting back to me sooner.....boy did I feel dumb. God bless these people for what they do every day. Can't imagine the emotions of it all.

So at the end of my phone conversation, the social worker asked if she could show our profile to a woman with a baby girl due on April 14!! Like less than 3 weeks. And then said that the EARLIEST they might induce is April 1st!! Like next week! Wowsas. Of course I said yes, please show our profile and now we are having a waiting weekend again....trying not to get hopes up, yet thinking it's possible we could have a baby in a week or two. So do I start getting things, girl things, ready? Do I just play it cool and wait to hear if she's chosen us before doing anything? I've pretty much decided to wait. But that doesn't stop me from getting attached to yet another birthmom and baby--not to mention her other daughter, who is five. I hurt for these sisters who will not grow up together and hope that whomever the adoptive family is, somehow a healthy relationship of some sort can be maintained. At five years old I'm sure the child has some thoughts on mom having a baby and baby going to live with another family....It's these kinds of things that are keeping me distracted and causing me to become choked up at random times.

What a journey adoption is. Despite all the heart-hurt things about it all, I know that we will be very glad we started down this road. More news on Monday!

And The Winner Is.....

No one. Yet. Birthmom in Virginia did not choose our family for her baby, nor did she choose the other two families whose profiles she was looking at over the weekend. The social worker said she did not connect with any of us. I really am ok with this from our selfish perspective, but can't get away from feeling very disheartened for her. To have made the decision to place your baby for adoption, with a due date in a few weeks, and not have found that baby's family must be very, very hard. She will receive more profiles to look at this week and I pray that she finds a family whom she knows, without doubt, is her baby's adoptive family. The social worker told Mitch today that they are hoping to find placements for EIGHT babies this week! So we may be getting another call soon....... Stand by.

All You Need Is Love......And Racial Identity

Still thinking about and praying for Virginia mom today, as well as her three children including the one yet to be born. There are so many things to process through this, er, process....Today I am thinking a lot about how it will be, and if we will do a good job, parenting an African American child. I have read many different opinions on this. Some are for transracial adoption. Some are vehemently against. One AA social worker basically said that one has no business adopting a child of another ethnicity unless there are faces that look similar to his or hers around the dinner table on a frequent basis. Here's the thing. We have many friends in transracial families. One family with AA twins is in our home weekly; another adoptive mom and I have been friends since elementary school. We are so grateful for their support and understanding throughout this journey we are on! We know without doubt that they will be there for us and for our child as we navigate this new chapter. My younger brother and his wife are planning to adopt transracially, as well. It feels so good to know that our child will have a cousin that looks similar to him or her. However, we do not have African American adults in our lives or home on any regular basis. Sigh. I do not doubt that God himself has called us to adopt transracially. I have friends who completely get this and friends who completely do not. But this is hard. Finding myself grieving, in a way, for my yet to be adopted child is a strange emotion. I will never be able to tell or show my own child what it is like to live as an African American. Undoubtedly there will be holes that we cannot fill, no matter how much love we already have for this child. And that stinks. I keep coming back to the reassurance that, whatever racial identity we have, our true identity is found in Christ. And I pray that we can convey that to ALL of our children. Boy, do I have a lot to learn...

Officially A Mess

I'm supposed to be cleaning the house right now. We have people coming over tonight and there's laundry to fold, dishes to do, floor to mop, and dusting....always dusting. Thing is, I cannot stop thinking about a 20 year old woman in Virginia whom I've never met. I know hardly anything about her, but today she is looking at a scrapbook of sorts about our family and trying to determine if we are to be her baby's adoptive family. My heart is all twisted up for her and the emotion is something I've never had before. The baby she is carrying may not be ours in the end, but knowing the little that I do about her makes me care deeply for this woman. All I can do today is pray. Pray for her. Pray for us. Pray for that precious baby she carries. And get to dusting.