Less Like Breakdown

Well, this past week was rough. For whatever reasons I just kind of had a meltdown midweek that had me wondering what in the world we are doing. I know that other people feel this way, too, but when you're in that moment it just feels like you're the only one. Parenting is hard work. So is working, being married, maintaining friendships, and trying to bear witness to God's goodness through action. Life, in short, is hard. And for whatever reason, this week the hardness of life outweighed the beauty (at least in my own head...) and I went over the edge a little bit. My poor hubby. Unfortunately he is the recipient of said breakdown emotional outbursts and the i-can't-deal-with-life-anymore monologues. Because I can get it together pretty well for other people. I mean, I functioned at work this week and saw some people socially who (i don't think, anyway) didn't really wonder what the bleep was wrong with me. Or maybe they did.

I am in a better place today. A song I love has come into my head. Sara Groves wrote it and there are a few great lines. Indulge me while I quote:

Every day it's
Less like tearing more like building
Less like captive more like willing
Less like breakdown more like surrender
Less like haunting more like remember


And the song just has me thinking that I can use the same emotions to break down that I can to just surrender. I cannot do life on my own. We cannot parent these four kids on our own (Lord help us and them if we try!) Period. When I try it just gets worse and the people around me get beat up. It is not the way of Jesus to think we need to have it all "together." There has been no time in my life when I've felt less "together" than now.

I can't say that I feel exactly grateful for the breakdown. But it does lead me to a place of knowing I need to trust Him with my life. Surrendering to my all-knowing-all-loving God sure sounds better to me at this point. We'll see how this week goes.