Working It Out

I'm a little bit resentful today and it's bugging me. After all, we were chosen by S to parent her baby boy! We've met with her twice now, including a trip to Dairy Queen with her 5 year old and our three kids. It went really well, according to the social workers, but she's very hard for us to read. S is extremely shy and low key, so it's difficult to know if she really likes us or not when we're with her. We can't help but contrast her with C, who was talkative, crass, and always spoke her mind. So I find myself keeping everything at arm's length. Trying not to get too excited one minute and trying to let myself get excited the next. S is scheduled to be induced next week Wednesday morning!! So by this time next week we could have our baby boy :). S does not want me in the delivery room and that bums me out a little. I think it will be a little weird that I had such big role in C's labor and delivery and won't be at all a part of this one. But I certainly understand and can respect S's wishes. As of right now she does not want to see the baby at all, but is encouraging us to give him his first bath and be with him as much as we want right after he's born. If there's room in the hospital, we will even be able to stay overnight there and have him in our room! She plans to sign the paperwork 24 hours after he's born (heard that before. sigh.). I am already anticipating that I will struggle internally over not really really bonding with him until the paperwork is done vs. eating up those precious first hours of his life and treating him from that moment like he is ours. Can I still say with confidence that I trust God? Period? Even if this situation would also fall apart, do I know that God is good? Today the answer would be I think so. But it would really really suck.

Back to the resentment. Here's an analogy that hit me yesterday and I hope it's not seen as inappropriate. Already ran it by my hubby and sister, so it's probably ok. Here it is: I feel like we lost our adoption virginity and I'm ticked about it. We were so open and excited with C and her family, finding out so many things about her, envisioning walking off of an airplane with our newborn ready to meet his siblings, etc. This time around is just not the same. And I want it to be in some ways. I am bummed out that some of our excitement about the process is gone and in it's place is skepticism and self protection. Really dislike that. Resentment is not attractive on anyone, so I'm going to work on that today.

As It Happens

What is there to say? Two hours before final paperwork was to be signed, C changed her mind. We received a phone call from our social worker that morning. I think the poor girl took it as hard as we did. Those social workers have a tough job. We were able to go to the hospital and hear it from C herself. She said there was no good explanation except that she had a change of heart and that the baby needed to be with his brothers and sisters. There was no changing her mind back, but I was able to express some feelings to her before we left. The wonderfully amazing social worker even went back and asked C for the necklace I had given her. It was/is intended for the birthmother of our baby, which C no longer is.

Sigh. The last 2 weeks of my life seem sort of like a dream. Or a parenthesis. But surreal somehow. We spent a lot of time, money, and emotional energy in Ft. Wayne, IN, of all places, expecting to return home with our baby boy. Instead, we returned home to our lives and it's picked up where we left off. We have, indeed, gone through different stages of grief, but over all have felt God and his people holding us up. I've been told this type of situation is like a miscarriage. I don't know because I've never had a miscarriage, but it does feel like a loss. Interestingly to me, I don't think I bonded with the baby more than I did with C's other 5 children. To be honest, we would probably have strongly considered taking all of them in if that were a possibility. Truly they are great kids. And highly at risk. I am thankful now that I did not feel comfortable unwrapping the baby's blanket, examining his toes and fingers, changing his diaper, or dressing him in the little clothes I brought along. That would have made this all the harder. We thought he was our Asher, but he is not.

We were kind of left at the altar, so to speak. And yesterday, our social worker called and asked if we are ready for our profile to be shown again. Today. Decision made by birthmom by tomorrow. Wow--is this what it's like to be left at the altar only to go on a date the next week? I think not, because we are very excited and the grief right now is minimal. Am trying not to get hopes too high. After all, even though the agency would LOVE for her to choose us (how badly they feel about the failed adoption last week!), they can't exactly show her only one profile. Bummer. So we will wait and see. I am really praying that whatever the next situation is, I can still be open-hearted. I know SO much about C and her family since I was trying to gather as much information as possible to tell my son later. Don't want to be so guarded next time around that I don't let myself get to know the birthmother. Sigh again. Would really suck if the next one failed, too.

But can I just tell you that we are amazed. God has shown up (as if he ever left) in many, many ways. We are far from understanding the events of the past 2 weeks, but we do have peace. One of the ways my heart has broken through this is with our 8 year old son. He was so very excited to hold his little brother and help take care of him. He has questioned why God would, "Take all my praises to him and throw them in the garbage." That's just how the little guy talks and feels. Even with this, though, it's been an opportunity to talk it through; process it through. We've talked with him about how our lives are a story. And we know the ending is good! We also know the author. The last chapter has been hard, but that doesn't mean the story is finished. And in this we also feel re-energized to go ahead with what we are doing.

Our friend, Sarah, has a song with a line that is fitting to how I feel. We are in a valley of sorts, but, "As it happens, light has no where else to happen but the valley." We can see and feel the light and are going to keep following.

Psalm 116

I said to myself, "Relax and rest.
God has showered you with blessings.
Soul, you've been rescued from death;
Eye, you've been rescued from tears;
And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling."

I'm striding in the presence of God,
alive in the land of the living!
I stayed faithful, though bedeviled,
and despite a ton of bad luck,
Despite giving up on the human race,
saying, "They're all liars and cheats."

What can I give back to God
for the blessings he's poured out on me?
I'll lift high the cup of salvation- a toast to God!
I'll pray in the name of God;
I'll complete what I promised God I'd do,
and I'll do it together with his people.
When they arrive at the gates of death,
God welcomes those who love him.
Oh, God, here I am, your servant,
your faithful servanat: set me free for your service!
I'm ready to offer the thanksgiving sacrifice
and pray in the name of God.
I'll complete what I promised God I'd do,
and I'll do it in company with his people,
In the place of worship, in God's house,
in Jerusalem, God's city.
Hallelujah!

Labor and Deliverance

I really think I have a touch of PTSD. That's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Tuesday and Wednesday morning were perhaps some of the longest, most emotional hours of my life. Birthmama was admitted to the hospital on Monday night to start the process of induction. That evening she had a medication to soften the cervix, but no labor happening. We went back to the hotel to sleep and she slept well, too. (after her nurse suggested Ambien, most likely because she was driving the nurse CRAZY!) I should have split it with C, because I couldn't sleep worth anything. When I got to the hospital Tuesday morning, she was very groggy and out of it.

Tuesday started with Pitocin, the medication to start stronger and harder contractions. Before she was allowed an epidural, C was horrible. No other way to put it. She made her nurse cry and eventually refuse to take care of her, treated all who came into her room like her personal servants, and made it known to us all that she was in a lot of pain and also HUNGRY! At one point after the pit was started, the nurse told her that the baby's heartrate was going down after the contractions. When the possibility of a C-section was raised to try to persuade C to wear the oxygen mask....well....let's just say all hell broke loose. C pretty much told us, with several expletives, that she would not be having a C-section NO MATTER WHAT. She was very adamant about this. At that point, I excused myself from her bedside, went to the nurse's station, and lost it. I could not handle it for that moment that my baby's health or life could be at risk due to her decisions and didn't know how that would be handled if she really did need a C-section, but refused. The nurses were awesome. The one who resigned earlier cried right along with me and said she had never been treated so poorly by a patient in her 19 years of being a nurse. Those sweet women talked me down from the ledge, and one bravely went back into the room with me, and talked C down from her own ledge.

Honestly, I don't even want to relive the rest of it by writing about it. So let's just say that the remainder of that day was more of the same. When the resident tried to break her waters twice, unsuccessfully, I knew we were in trouble. He made the decision at about 6 pm that since she was stalled at 5 cm dilated, with a thick cervix, we'd stop the medication, sleep on it, and wait until morning to start again. As I was leaving to head back to the hotel, C told me she did not want the nurses to have my phone number on her chart. I had given it to them previously so they could reach us if anything happened while we were out. Of course this made me nervous that she had changed her mind. Mitch and I drove back to the hotel, sobbing, cursing, and pretty much ready to get on an airplane and head back to our lives. Without the baby. It was too much drama and we were feeling less sure than ever that this was going to actually happen (placement AND delivery!!) We went back and totally crashed in our hotel room, not knowing how we'd have the energy to go back and do it again on Wednesday.

But we did. By the time we arrived, C's water was broken and progress was being made! She was quiet, but not abusive, so that was positive. Her nurse was wonderful. Within about four hours, she was ready to push. Rookie doc showed up just in time. He only did a few things that made me nervous, so I was happy when his attending turned up to supervise. I had the privelege of holding a leg and counting with the pushes. Within 3, baby was out! The nurses were so great and assumed I'd cut the cord, which I did. Nevermind that the rookie doc clamped it at about 6 inches long!! (not kidding, I have pictures). The nurse told me privately not to worry; she'd take care of it later, which she has :) They gave me his footprints on a receiving blanket and I was the first one to hold that precious boy. He was perfectly healthy and bright eyed. He even peed all over his face about 5 minutes after birth. It was wonderful. I got to hold him for quite a while as C was getting cleaned up. She then held him and I wish I had a better picture of that moment. The look on her face was beautiful. Poor Mitch was in the hallway this whole time, wondering what was happening....Eventually he was able to come in and meet baby and give C a big hug. Love that man.

C's request was to have a few hours alone with her son before we did. We happily obliged and returned later to hold and snuggle him. Since that time yesterday, we have had several hours with him, but always at C's bedside. Her disposition yesterday afternoon was great. She was back to the feisty, but pleasant, C that I have come to know. There have been moments since then that have been,shall we say, dramatic? Over all, however, we do feel that she is sticking with her decision to have us parent this baby.

I am tired just reliving the last few days and haven't even given all the details. Truth really is stranger than fiction. For now, though, am trusting God. Period. Not trusting that He'll make it work out so we get the baby forever, nor that C will turn her life around or that her other kids will have bright futures. Just trusting that He is good. Whatever happens in the end, I know that is true, and that we have been here in Indiana for important reasons.

Love and Laughter at The Chinese Buffet

Today could not have gone much better. My husband is finally here! We slept in and sipped coffee, in no rush to get anywhere this morning. Both of us started getting butterflies around noon since the time was nearing when Mitch would meet C for the first time and we would also meet her children and mother. At 2 o'clock we drove to C's place and she invited us in to hang out with her and her children until her mother and stepfather arrived. Her 4 year old was just as adorable and winsome as yesterday :-) And the rest of the kids....let me say that unless Asher's birthfather is really unattractive and has very strong genes, there's no doubt in my mind that our boy will be HANDSOME! C's children are absolutely gorgeous, both in looks and in personality. Her three boys could almost be triplets by looking at their size. In reality they are 4 1/2, 6 and 7 and reminded us of our 8 and 6 year old boys at home (sniff sniff..miss them and E). Her second daughter was shy, but her oldest daughter asked us some tough questions right off the bat. For example, "What are your kids going to say when you bring home a baby that's not white?" :) We assured her that they already know this. She also asked some tougher questions like, "When will you come back and visit us?" and, "You're not playing us, are you?." She then went on to tell about a movie that she saw on Lifetime about a white family adopting a black baby who were "all nice and everything in the beginning and then the baby's family never saw him again and never got pictures or anything!" The comic relief came when her 10 year old sister, totally straight faced said, "But this is not a Lifetime movie, E." Love those kids.

As it happened, not only did C's mother and stepfather come to visit, but her sister and nephew surprised her by coming as well. I'll admit I was a little overwhelmed at the loud shrieks of delight the whole family let out as they greeted each other. But once again, God met us there. We piled the whole bunch of us into two cars and headed to the Chinese Buffet. Overtaking a very large table, we got enormous amounts of mediocre Chinese food and got to know each other better. In all honestly, it very quickly started to feel like a family reunion of sorts. We laughed until our bellies hurt! C's stepfather constantly took pictures, announcing that they would all be appearing on his facebook page. Her mother told me that I was brave to be in the delivery room with C as she can get quite, ahem, "animated" during labor. When Mitch asked if he should be scared for my well-being, her mother said, "Oh yes! And her emotional well-being, too! You better pray for a double dose of God in that room with her!" So we will see....I've obviously never been on this end of things during a delivery. Mildly scared.. :)

C's children were delightful during lunch and one of the biggest gifts we've been given thus far is the chance to interact with them and take lots of pictures. C's sister expressed her approval of us and told us that she knew we'd take good care of the baby. She also told us that C was told her first baby was a boy. That would be her 14 year old DAUGHTER! Well that would be interesting.

Again, there was more to today than what can or should be blogged about. I am so very grateful that Mitch was here to experience this with me. There is no way I could have done justice to this wonderful family by description. Both of us being there today was important. And so we trust God and his timeline again. If Asher would have already been born, we would not have had today. And today was very, very wonderful.

Trust and Coincidence

Yesterday pretty much sucked. And the weird thing is, I'm not sure why, although I have a few guesses. I woke up in the morning composing a letter in my mind that I will write to the jerk attorney we fired. That just started me off in a bad mood. After that I drove around the entire city of Ft. Wayne looking for a post office (yes I had looked up directions, which were wrong, and yes I asked for directions, which were also wrong...). Now perhaps my foul mood had something to do with the fact that I didn't get any coffee until around 11 a.m. Quite possible. I think a more plausible explanation, however, is that I was trying to process all the negative junk associated with adoption---both ours specifically and also generally. There are some things that C told me that are hard- things I wish I didn't know, in fact. There is a person in our life who has been extremely negative about us adopting, and I found myself thinking about that a lot. I also locked myself out of my room, which didn't help (although my friends Kaitlyn and Tamesha at the front desk are my new bffs, so not SO bad). The cost of adoption is tremendous, and I just got really pissed at that attorney who is clearly making money off the whole deal and yet can't even fake some compassion.

BUT....

Today was a new day. Over the past 3 months, since we first felt God nudging/shoving us to adopt, there have been too many coincidental things happen to be coincidental. Take this morning. I was working out in the little gym here at my temporary residence and a guy doing his laundry asks me for directions someplace. We got to talking and, of course, our adoption came up. We talked for quite some time before he told me that he and his siblings were raised in foster care. He lived in 8 different homes growing up! His family is staying here for a couple of weeks as his wife just started a new job and they do not have a permanent residence yet. He gave me his insight on foster care, adoption, having biological siblings that he doesn't really know, birthmother issues, etc. Invaluable information from first hand experience. And then he invited me to have dinner with his family that night! They took me to the KFC buffet and it was GOOD. The food and the conversation. His wife and daughter are delightful and funny. Plus they like Dave Ramsey, so of course we are kindred spirits. Found out they are also Christians and actually didn't think I was nutso when I told them that this process of adopting has been a remarkable spiritual journey guided by God himself. They understood. They have had that kind of experience, too. And now I have even more people to bring Asher "home" to that will be so excited to meet him!

Today I also got to hear the sweet sound of my baby's heartbeat for the first time. The setting itself was a bit harried, I will admit. Unfortunately, C's doctor was running very late, which in turn was going to make C very late for an especially important meeting and also for her kids getting home from school. She was frustrated, mad, uncomfortable, and we all knew it! I actually love that about her. You do not have to guess how she's feeling. So the heartbeat part was quite brief. More of a formality for C and for the doctor, but so special for me.

Now, there may be some of my friends reading this who will take offense at what I'm going to say next, but hopefully not. I was a little disgruntled with the doc. You see, he is not an OB specialist. His specialty is family practice. And he's a resident. These things by themselves might not have mattered so much to me except that he kept saying things like, "I will run it by the man," and acting like he was still learning their electronic medical records system. When he said to C, "Oh! We still haven't finished up your past medical history of your other children's births!" I thought I might take over the appointment myself. We have the same EMR at my office, so I'm fairly certain I could have navigated it and entered the appropriate information in half the time....And by the way, doc, I thought YOU were "the man." I mean, you have been C's main doc for her entire pregnancy, right? So if you are a family practice resident, I mean no disrespect. Just don't tell your patients that you have to run things by "the man." It just gives off a weird vibe that makes us not trust you.

On to more positive things....I was able to spend some amazing time with C's 4 1/2 year old son. I'm sure he didn't think it was so amazing, but being able to see what he looks like, learn a little of his personality, and just read him a book are things I'm so grateful for! And he is stinking ADORABLE! Also found out that C's mom is coming into town tomorrow to meet us. She helped C choose our family from the profiles she looked at and also chose Asher's middle name. I just found out today that his middle name will be Gabriel. About cried when she told me. Gabriel was on our short list of possible first names for our baby. I have always loved that name and think Asher Gabriel M sounds just right.

So baby, we are ready for you! Uncertain-of-himself doc will not give us an induction date....despite two irritable women in his office today lobbying for it. Just trying to trust God's timing. So far I would say it's been impeccable.

p.s.

C and I also had the bonding experience of firing our attorney today. He was a real jerk and not compassionate at all. In a weird way it was kind of fun to see each other get all riled up. Trusting that God will work this part of it out, too.

Processing the Process

Today is a day I'll remember forever. One of those firsts that you tell your kids about; and I'll be telling one of our kids about it for very special reasons. Today is the day that I met Asher's birthmama for the first time. Let me tell you, she is gorgeous and funny and opinionated and outspoken and very, very brave. My mom would refer to her as "a little spitfire," which she has been known to call me, too. Maybe that's why C and I got along so well. There are so many things that I learned about C today---many of which I will save for my son and tell him when the time is right. Some things I learned were painful to hear and some were just fun details. I learned that he has been kicking hard for many months, even waking her up at night! She warned me that we should watch out since he likely has her personality :). I found out that she loves buffalo wings and french fries as she ordered both today at lunch---with extra blue cheese dressing. Her teenaged daughter is giving her some trouble, mostly with the clothing she chooses and "talking back." She is "15 going on 30." Her 10 year old daughter is the perceptive one and is getting a bike for her birthday. The three younger boys are a handful---always want to be outside and very physically active :). I gave her the necklace that matches the one I am wearing right now. C immediately put it on and gave me a hug, and we talked about it's symbolism. She reiterated to me her desire to have me in the delivery room (!) and that while she wants to hold the baby and have at least a few pictures with him, he is ours. She wants US to be the ones that bond with him immediately. I will pick her up and take her to her doctor's appointment this Friday at which point these two unlikely new friends will beg the poor man to induce her labor. (yes, I know the risks and down side to that, but there are reasons I'm not sharing with all y'all that this would be a good thing!) If he resists our attempted coercion, I will get to take her and the kids to lunch and maybe the park on Saturday. Mitch arrives on Sunday and I can't wait to joyfully introduce him to my new friend.

There is much more. I am still processing and feeling a bit drained emotionally. Some of the "more" will come out later, but some will be reserved only for my precious baby. For now this "little spitfire" is so grateful to have met another and blessed that our lives will forever be linked through Asher.

Gratitude

I spent my first full day in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, today. Our baby is not due for nearly 2 weeks, but we decided I would come here to wait. C has so very graciously decided to allow me in the delivery room with her---an opportunity I do not want to miss! Since her labor is always very quick, there would be no way for us to make it to Ft. Wayne in time if we waited in Salt Lake for her to call us when she is in labor. So I have hunkered down at the Candlewood Suites and am familiarizing myself with Ft. Wayne.

It's funny how God works. Since I work half time and am a mom of three, I rarely am by myself for more than a few hours. Now I find myself in a city where I don't know anyone, by myself, with who knows how much time on my hands before Asher is born. In trying to think of ways to be productive while away from home (I am my mother's daughter, after all), I decided that I'd get my hair cut today. Not sure what anyone did before the internet! I was able to find a great salon on line about 5 minutes from my hotel. Since I'm not pressed for time (weird feeling), I just drove to the salon and walked in, assuming I'd need to schedule for later in the week. As it turned out, the salon had just finished up a staff meeting early, so about 5 of them were just waiting for their first appointments to arrive! A stylist named Sandra took me right back and gave me a glorious haircut with sassy bangs that I just love :-) More than that, however, we had a great conversation. Sandra is African American and, admittedly, I was a little nervous on what her opinion might be on us adopting an African American child. As always seems the case, a hair appointment turns into therapy. She was wonderful, encouraging, affirming, and gave great tips on caring for AA hair! (I did confess to her that I was a little relieved when I found out we're having a boy as keeping up with AA girl hair seems a lot harder!) Sandra was yet another great person placed in my path to let us know that we are doing the right thing. As I left, she made me promise to return to the salon after Asher is born so she can meet him. I will definitely take her up on that!