Sad

*Profanity disclaimer for the easily offended. Read at your own risk*

I know, I know. This blog has taken a turn for the negative. Sigh. This morning, however, there's no other emotion I can conjure up and the babies are all sleeping, so this is what you get. My kids would say, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!"

My little brother is a police detective in Tampa, Florida. This past week they lost two officer's lives when they were shot at close range during a traffic stop. The guy turned out to be involved in a previous homicide, the way I understand it. Only last night, after a four day man hunt, was he taken into custody. One officer had four young boys. The other's wife was 9 months pregnant. The funeral for these two men is this morning. I just sent my brother a text and he and his wife are at the funeral now, which is just about to begin. Thousands are expected to attend.

So I've had several questions for my God this week. They kind of vary in the exact nature, but the overriding question is, of course, "Why?" How in any way is God allowing this to happen pointing to His goodness? Maybe it's not. Maybe it's just a glaring, horrible, f@#$ing, sh@##y reminder that sin is in our world and God help us all. As a mother I cannot help but tear up when I think of those children and those two moms who will now raise those kids alone and have to work through not only their own grief, but that of their children. This is not the way it's supposed to be.

And then there's the fear. I have done a pretty great job over the past 10 years, or so, just ignoring the danger facing my little brother on a daily basis. Even though he's done much undercover work and entered crazy situations, I've been able to keep the danger at arm's length. This past week I have not. Knowing he was involved in the search for the killer had me praying harder than ever before for his safety. And also wishing he were an accountant. (no offense, honey) The police dept. is lucky to have him and the good people of Tampa are safer for him there. He is the best of the best at what he does, I am sure. I have always maintained that he is the ONLY person I can think of who has never once complained about his job. He was made to do this.

And so it comes back to trust. I cannot pretend to say that I trust the life of my brother will be safe because I pray or believe in God. And I don't think it's true, anyway. We're not promised that. But can I trust that God is good? Can I trust that He knows what He's doing? Can I trust him with the lives of those I love? My life?

It's a decision every day.