Beautiful Things {Keeping It Real}

Deep breath.  I've said that to myself countless times over the past 7 months.  Without doubt, these 7 months have been the hardest of my life.  But they've also been the most beautiful, colored all over with God's artistry.  Stuff only He can pull off.

Adoption has a couple of different reputations.  In my world there are the friends that call us "altruistic" or "noble,"  neither of which we are on most days.  There are those that find us crazy and maybe even irresponsible for attempting to raise six children well, some of whom have traumatic backgrounds.  We are also very grateful to have friends that have walked this road, too, and are still walking (stumbling?) right along with us.  Those that can understand that there is ALWAYS much pain and suffering with adoption, no matter the circumstance.

Seven months ago we were attempting to parent these two little strangers.  Truth be told, they did not feel like my children at the time.  I felt like I was babysitting, and honestly I don't really have a lot of patience for other people's kids.  I wanted to instantly fall in love with them, but found myself going through the motions, praying that the day would come when I would attach to them and feel like their mama.  I missed my four other children terribly when we were in Haiti.  Worrying about what we were doing to their stable lives kept me up at night.  Maybe the naysayers who think we are irresponsible are right?  Really all I had to do was think about how we were led to this place, to these children.... and I knew in my bones this was right.  But sometimes what our head knows and what our heart feels don't quite match up.

While in Haiti, little guy would go from snuggling with us close and sucking his thumb to backing away from us, crying.  He didn't know how to give a kiss.  He barely spoke. While his chronological age was almost 3, he acted much more like an 18 month old in a lot of ways.  Little lady was... well... just like we had been told she would be :).  A little pistol/firecracker and smart as a whip.  She took care of her little brother and I really believe things have gone easier for us because they have each other.

Flying home with two stranger/children is interesting....  We were so grateful that despite the long waits in security lines and airports, they really did pretty well.  Getting to Florida felt like a big step.  We made it through immigration without a hitch.... except for little lady running behind the counter and down the hallway.  They didn't love that so much :).  She also used the bathroom in the immigration office.  Her giggle when the toilet flushed automatically is something I'll never forget!

We stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights and were able to meet up with my brother and his family.  What a sweet gift to be able to see family and know that they understood.  Understood that when a full on tantrum occurred while changing little lady's clothes it was "normal."  Understood that we were completely exhausted in every way you can be and that putting a complete thought together was a chore.  Understood that we were just getting started with a really tough journey that could last a lifetime.

We got to our house a couple of days later.  I have NEVER been so happy to be in my own home.  Just needed something familiar and safe, I think, when a lot of other things felt really out of control.  Seeing our four other kids again brought me to tears.

And then...

Real life happened.  The new normal.  I will be vague and brief, wanting to respect my children's privacy, but the next several months were extremely difficult.  The three littles weren't sleeping well, little guy wanted to only be held.  All day.  Little lady would go from flying around the house to losing her mind over something very small to "zoning out."  We were concerned and exhausted and upset with ourselves for being so selfish much of the time.  I couldn't imagine ever actually cooking dinner again.  Thankfully people provided us dinner for a really long time.  So grateful for that huge, enormous way people stepped in to help us transition.
Much of my days were spent sitting on the couch with three kids, watching "Over the Hedge." (why they love that movie so much, I'm not sure.  But it definitely could have been worse... :) ).  Truly the only way we made it was with the help of our family and village of friends.

In the midst of all of the above, the kids were cute, and smart, and silly.  And we were falling more and more in love with them by the day.  They started to feel like they were mine!  Getting to know your children at ages 3 and 5 is interesting.  Before we knew it, little man was not only talking, but could name all his letters and shapes!  He totally learned this from watching hours of Super Why, but I refuse to feel guilty :).  Little lady was able to go to preschool and not scream when we left her.  Sure she acted like Gollum and whispered "my precious" in a creepy voice to my big kids' friends.... but so what?!  (It is the big kids' fault, anyway.  Clearly they taught her that...)

Fast forward to this week.  And I'm skipping a whoooooole lot here...

This week little lady is in school.  She goes all day, three days per week. And she loves it!  She comes home and tells me all about what they are learning.  A friend of hers wants her over for a playdate!  I think she is actually able to sit on the rug during school and listen!  You guys, this is all so huge.  Huge.  And she sleeps all night in her bed.  She even got up on her own the other night to use the bathroom, then went back to bed by herself without even coming to our room.  Amazing.

And little man is also in school two mornings a week.  He and his brother act all big and put their backpacks in a locker.  He waves to me and says, "bye, mom!" at drop off and runs to me with a huge smile when I pick him up.  Yesterday he was singing two different songs that he learned at school.  And.... he has slept through the night twice in a row!

The siblings are acting like real siblings now.  They love each other and argue like real siblings do.  The new kids are treated less like a novelty and more like the sometimes adorable/sometimes annoying little siblings that they are :).  You guys, we actually have been sitting down at the table with all 9 of us (including my dad) and eating food THAT I COOKED!!  Never mind that it is loud and crazy and that usually someone spills their drink or possibly throws something.

The point is:   We are a family.  We really are.  There are still super hard things every single day, without exception.  But I don't miss my "old life" any more.  All six of these crazies are my kids and I love them with every fiber in me. We are making it, with a lot of help from our family and friends and a huge and sovereign God who is making beautiful things out of dust and ashes.

And there's no other life I'd rather be living.