Working It Out

I'm a little bit resentful today and it's bugging me. After all, we were chosen by S to parent her baby boy! We've met with her twice now, including a trip to Dairy Queen with her 5 year old and our three kids. It went really well, according to the social workers, but she's very hard for us to read. S is extremely shy and low key, so it's difficult to know if she really likes us or not when we're with her. We can't help but contrast her with C, who was talkative, crass, and always spoke her mind. So I find myself keeping everything at arm's length. Trying not to get too excited one minute and trying to let myself get excited the next. S is scheduled to be induced next week Wednesday morning!! So by this time next week we could have our baby boy :). S does not want me in the delivery room and that bums me out a little. I think it will be a little weird that I had such big role in C's labor and delivery and won't be at all a part of this one. But I certainly understand and can respect S's wishes. As of right now she does not want to see the baby at all, but is encouraging us to give him his first bath and be with him as much as we want right after he's born. If there's room in the hospital, we will even be able to stay overnight there and have him in our room! She plans to sign the paperwork 24 hours after he's born (heard that before. sigh.). I am already anticipating that I will struggle internally over not really really bonding with him until the paperwork is done vs. eating up those precious first hours of his life and treating him from that moment like he is ours. Can I still say with confidence that I trust God? Period? Even if this situation would also fall apart, do I know that God is good? Today the answer would be I think so. But it would really really suck.

Back to the resentment. Here's an analogy that hit me yesterday and I hope it's not seen as inappropriate. Already ran it by my hubby and sister, so it's probably ok. Here it is: I feel like we lost our adoption virginity and I'm ticked about it. We were so open and excited with C and her family, finding out so many things about her, envisioning walking off of an airplane with our newborn ready to meet his siblings, etc. This time around is just not the same. And I want it to be in some ways. I am bummed out that some of our excitement about the process is gone and in it's place is skepticism and self protection. Really dislike that. Resentment is not attractive on anyone, so I'm going to work on that today.