As It Happens

What is there to say? Two hours before final paperwork was to be signed, C changed her mind. We received a phone call from our social worker that morning. I think the poor girl took it as hard as we did. Those social workers have a tough job. We were able to go to the hospital and hear it from C herself. She said there was no good explanation except that she had a change of heart and that the baby needed to be with his brothers and sisters. There was no changing her mind back, but I was able to express some feelings to her before we left. The wonderfully amazing social worker even went back and asked C for the necklace I had given her. It was/is intended for the birthmother of our baby, which C no longer is.

Sigh. The last 2 weeks of my life seem sort of like a dream. Or a parenthesis. But surreal somehow. We spent a lot of time, money, and emotional energy in Ft. Wayne, IN, of all places, expecting to return home with our baby boy. Instead, we returned home to our lives and it's picked up where we left off. We have, indeed, gone through different stages of grief, but over all have felt God and his people holding us up. I've been told this type of situation is like a miscarriage. I don't know because I've never had a miscarriage, but it does feel like a loss. Interestingly to me, I don't think I bonded with the baby more than I did with C's other 5 children. To be honest, we would probably have strongly considered taking all of them in if that were a possibility. Truly they are great kids. And highly at risk. I am thankful now that I did not feel comfortable unwrapping the baby's blanket, examining his toes and fingers, changing his diaper, or dressing him in the little clothes I brought along. That would have made this all the harder. We thought he was our Asher, but he is not.

We were kind of left at the altar, so to speak. And yesterday, our social worker called and asked if we are ready for our profile to be shown again. Today. Decision made by birthmom by tomorrow. Wow--is this what it's like to be left at the altar only to go on a date the next week? I think not, because we are very excited and the grief right now is minimal. Am trying not to get hopes too high. After all, even though the agency would LOVE for her to choose us (how badly they feel about the failed adoption last week!), they can't exactly show her only one profile. Bummer. So we will wait and see. I am really praying that whatever the next situation is, I can still be open-hearted. I know SO much about C and her family since I was trying to gather as much information as possible to tell my son later. Don't want to be so guarded next time around that I don't let myself get to know the birthmother. Sigh again. Would really suck if the next one failed, too.

But can I just tell you that we are amazed. God has shown up (as if he ever left) in many, many ways. We are far from understanding the events of the past 2 weeks, but we do have peace. One of the ways my heart has broken through this is with our 8 year old son. He was so very excited to hold his little brother and help take care of him. He has questioned why God would, "Take all my praises to him and throw them in the garbage." That's just how the little guy talks and feels. Even with this, though, it's been an opportunity to talk it through; process it through. We've talked with him about how our lives are a story. And we know the ending is good! We also know the author. The last chapter has been hard, but that doesn't mean the story is finished. And in this we also feel re-energized to go ahead with what we are doing.

Our friend, Sarah, has a song with a line that is fitting to how I feel. We are in a valley of sorts, but, "As it happens, light has no where else to happen but the valley." We can see and feel the light and are going to keep following.