The Beauty of Enormous Things

I've been a little bit down lately. Things like the wait of this adoption process and some tough conversations have weighed on me and made me whiny. And I don't like it.

So, it has become necessary (again) to mark my ebenezers and write down all the things I can think of that this journey has brought our way. Things that couldn't have happened without it.

Here goes.

1. Crazy, awesome, astounding and miraculous way we landed on Children of the Promise in Haiti, and subsequently our two amazing kiddos, C and L. See below for the seriously unbelievable way we and our friends "found" the same little girl in Haiti and how, because of her, there are four orphans that will have families now :).

2. New besties. There are people I have met through adopting that I would not have met any other way. People that I love and care about deeply and consider some of my best friends. These are people I did not know a year ago that seriously love me and give the kind of support and encouragement (and sometimes a much needed, "get over yourself") that only they can provide.

3. Coins and dollars and haircuts and concerts. We are completely humbled at how many people have collected money in "adoption jars," cut our hair for free, donated large sums of money to defray our adoption costs, and offered to give of their time and talents to help us bring C and L home. In the process we have learned to receive with joy and see that it does take a village to bring these two home. And the village is here and willing!

4. Dependence on God. I know that sounds like the "right" thing to say, but it's true. Sadly, if there were more things we could actually do to bring the kids home, I'm afraid we'd just do them and work in our own power and totally miss some of the above awesomeness. Don't think I'm at a point of saying I'm grateful for the wait---but it is true that I can see the value and the gift in it. Without being put in such a position of feeling helpless, I don't think we would go to the One who is our help, strength and source nearly as much or with such desperation.

5. Seeing God as the master story writer. The sheer number of "coincidences" in this story He's writing with our lives is shocking. It feels like everything and everyone is connected with such purpose now.


Sometimes this process and this raising of lots of kids feels too hard and I wonder what God was thinking when He asked us to do it. But then I think about all of the above. His hand is all over everything and there is no doubt in my mind that we are saying "yes" to the God of it all.

This story is only beginning....

For My Daughter

Dear C,

Happy Birthday, darling girl! It is hard for me to think that you are four years old and that I only know about a tiny little piece of your life up to this point. Saturday was hard for me to think about you, not knowing when we will be together. Turning four is a big deal! To me it feels like you've gone from toddler to little girl. And we missed your whole babyhood. I wonder, with your brothers and sister, if you will feel very sad that we do not have a baby book for you. Those baby days were spent with your first mother, who I know still loves you as only a mother can.

I wish I knew more of her than just the couple of pictures we have. How did she choose your name? Did you kick a lot when she was pregnant with you? What were the special moments that you shared? I want to be able to tell you everything about her. To honor her in a way that is fitting for a mother who has bravely made a choice no mother can fathom. And to somehow make peace with the fact that she has chosen me to be your mama. Oh, the weight of that, sweet girl. How will I ever do that justice....

I don't know if we will be able to meet your first mother or have any of our questions answered. I pray that someday we will know more of her. On your birthday I am quite sure she was thinking of you, and longing for you, just like I was. And it breaks my heart to think about.

Mixed with the grief, there is also joy as I think about you joining our family. The pictures and video that we've seen of you only reinforce what others have told us---- you are independent, beautiful, happy, and.......loud! Descriptions of your personality remind us so much of your sister, who cannot wait to share her clothes, and toys, and room with you in time. I can picture you and L here with us. At the kitchen table, in the backyard, at school. It is starting to feel more real.

Praying you home, baby girl. We truly have no idea when you will be here with us and it can threaten to overtake us sometimes. But, God is good. My darling, God is in charge of it all. He loves you and your brother so very much. He loves your first mother so very much. And he loves this family that you will soon be part of very much, too. He's going to work it all together into some kind of beautiful mess and we get to be part of that story. Glory.

We have fallen so in love with you. Cannot wait to have you in our arms and sing/shout some songs about our Savior :)

So much love,
Your mama

A Letter To My Son

Dear Boy of Mine,

I wish so much that I could be with you tomorrow to wish you a Happy Second Birthday! I wish that you could have birthday donuts with the whole family and get to choose the very best one, because it's your birthday, after all. I wish that you could have a Happy Birthday banner made with love by all these siblings that you don't yet know you have. I wish that we were all together and that you could rip open the gifts your grandparents are waiting to spoil you with. I wish your same age brother could give you a big sloppy kiss rather than just the framed picture of you that we have in our dining room.

For now, sweet boy, I am forced to trust God with His timing. Usually it's with feet kicking and sometimes with fists to the sky, but God's working something in us through all of this waiting.

I am praying, my darling, that this is the last birthday you will ever spend without us.

Loving you from way too far away,

Your Mama

Giveaway!

Well, lovely throng of readers, here it is! The publishers of Jen Hatmaker's book, Seven, sent me a copy to give away to one lucky person :). You will want to win, my friends, because this is a good book. And I think God could change you like He seems to be trying to change me---to "wage war," as Jen puts it, against things in this life that JUST DON'T MATTER. Or that get in the way of relationships with God and people. Or that threaten to suck the life right out of us.

So here's how it will work. Just leave a comment here that you want to be entered into the drawing. On Saturday, January 21, I shall put your lovely names into a hat (or some other container) and allow my almost five year old daughter to pick out the name of the winner! The winner will then be announced via blog post and facebook and I'll arrange with you how to get the book in your hot little hands.

And if you don't win.... go get the book anyway.

Seven

I was first introduced to Jen Hatmaker's writing via a blog post that a friend of mine forwarded to me. She had me at:

"I'm going to tell you something; a little confession, if you will. Some of you will pull your hair out and smear your faces with ashes and put all my books on eBay and quit believing in God, but I'm willing to take that risk: I'm really, really glad all my kids are back in school. There. I said it. The three children that I birthed and nursed and raised from scratch, and the two children we begged and cried and screeched for and fetched from Africa...all five of these kids are in school. And I am happy, so happy, happy, happy, happy, hip-hip-hooray Mary Poppins happy. "

Oh how I love sending children to school :). This initial little snippet from her blog made me feel like it was ok to have a large family, be a Christian, adopt children, and not homeschool. And I needed it on that day.

Reading on, I appreciated Jen's honesty, most of all, but also her humor. I kept telling people about her blog saying, "I promise you will laugh and cry with each post." It has been true for me every time.

I became such a fan that I even posted a facebook status that said something like, "Jen Hatmaker is my hero!"

I also tried to friend her on facebook, even messaging her that we have a mutual acquaintance...but she has not accepted :(

Being the fan that I am, imagine my delight when a couple of weeks ago a little email showed up asking if I wanted to review her new book, "7." I vaguely remember responding to something on her blog asking if fellow bloggers would like to review the book. Guess I was in touch and fooled them into thinking I'm a real blogger, cuz before I knew it, the digital copy of the book was in my hot little hands :) Happy!

I dug right in and finished that puppy in a couple of days. When I was explaining to my husband what the book is about, he gave me a look and said, "oh, no." Yep, it's that kind of book. In her new book, Jen (I feel like if I'm reviewing a book I'm supposed to refer to her as "Hatmaker," but that seems weird) in her own words, embarks on:

"A seven-month experimental mutiny against excess, tackling seven areas of overconsumption in the spirit of a fast; a fast from greed, irresponsibility, apathy, and insatiability. Each area boiled down to just seven choices for a month:Food.Clothes.Possessions.Media.Waste.Spending.Stress.Only seven foods for a month. Only seven pieces of clothes for a month. Give away seven things we own a day for a month. Eliminate seven forms of media for a month. Adopt seven substantial habits for a greener life. Spend money in only seven places. Practice "seven sacred pauses" a day and observe the Sabbath...a deeply reduced life to find a greatly increased God."

Yeah. It's that kind of book. I knew before reading it that I would be challenged to experience the mutiny for myself. She has a way of writing that is so inspiring and convicting, but never from a condescending point of view. It is so clear in her book that the Hatmaker family struggles with making these choices every day, just like my family struggles to not complain about things like the DVR not working. I mean, really, people. But somehow as Jen writes about these things, she can be so witty and hilarious!

So, even though my family was pretty much against it at first, we started the month of January giving seven things away every day. You know what the sad thing is? Here we are on the 6th of the month and it hasn't even been hard. Like no sacrifice. Like I can't even remember what we gave away on day one. And that's part of this, I guess. Not only to make sacrifices, but to realize how MUCH we have and how we only seem to want more. It seems the perfect time for me, and our family to an extent , to do something like this. (I had to promise my 9 year old I wouldn't make him do it. Explaining it to him left him in tears, saying "that sounds like the Old Testament law! Jen, can you come explain it to him? It didn't sound like that at all to me when reading your book!) If you are reading this, you already know that we are adopting two children from Haiti. We are now in the huge abyss that is the time between paperwork being done, and going to get them. It could take years.

So, for me, this is going to be a fast of sorts. And a way to remember my children in Haiti. To pray for them, to acknowledge that my life is overflowing with stupid things and stuff that I don't even care about, and to focus on Jesus more than my crap. Anyone else in?

I will also be holding a giveaway for, ahem, my HUGE throng of readers! (which means the chances are extremely good that you will win, mom, Dawn, Laurie, Tammy, or Karen!) Stand by for the details on the giveaway for a copy of Jen's book!! Hooray!!

Thank you, Jen Hatmaker, for putting into words some honest truth.
(Now will you friend me on facebook?)

Real

It came on Thursday of this week and I still can't quite believe it. The amazing orphanage where our children currently live, sent little boy's handprints and a Thanksgiving picture made from little girl's hand and feet tracings! It was providential, I believe, that God allowed me to come home after work to an empty house to open this package and soak it in. My other children would probably have wondered why a paper turkey would make mama cry like that. I was so thankful to have a few minutes to just trace their little hand outlines with my finger, knowing that these two are REAL! This proves it!
I know that probably sounds really weird. I mean, of course they are real. We have pictures of them both, along with medical information, social background, and information about their birthmother. We email the agency and orphanage adoption coordinator often and hubby's second cousin is even the nurse there. Of course I know that these two are real. But somehow having evidence of the actual size of their little hands and feet, on paper they touched and worked with, just hit my heart in a new way. My two children in Haiti are real. And they made Thanksgiving crafts for us. Thinking about it still chokes me up.
God keeps giving and giving. We've now been told to expect a 1-2 YEAR wait until our children can come home. Just when that seems unimaginable and I want to kick my feet and shout at the sky that it's really not fair, something like this happens. Something to make me remember just who holds it all together. Again, why do I doubt my God? My God who holds all people, all time, all everything in his loving hands. Including me. Including my family, even though we are apart.

Yes, my children in Haiti are real. And so is my God! Amen.

Ode to the Heroes

I think that I have many heroes, really. They have come in various ways throughout my life, some staying for a whole long while and some breezing in and out. Some are here for a lifetime. The heroes I'm thanking God today for, however, are some friends we like to call, "The Subzero Heroes!"

It's a brilliant idea, really. And one SUPERhero actually had the tenacity to plan and call upon and summon the details to actually work into something amazing.

Here's how it works. There are usually 10 or 11 of us and we each make 12 family size portions of the same meal, all of which can be frozen and pulled out when needed. Then we get together on a Friday night at SUPERhero's house and swap them all out.... except for the extra 10 or 11 that we give away to neighbors or friends or people having babies. So each month, I get the glorious opportunity to come home with 10 or 11 homemade, nutritious, delicious, made with love meals :). Happy happy happy dance! I think every month I say that it feels like Christmas.

And yes, maybe I have turned into my mother. Who cares. My mother rocks. And she utilized our freezer to it's very fullest. So here I am with my family of 6 (soon to be 8... gulp), trying to work 20 ish hours a week and still keep the homefront running. Can I just tell you that these heroes are an integral part of that? To know that I could go to my freezer right now and pull out an amazing soup, casserole, marinated chicken, etc. for dinner tomorrow night, and the next, and the next, seriously makes my heart smile.

But the best part, to me, is that I know these women. The hands that have made these meals belong to brilliant, compassionate, interesting women that truly care about me and my family. And when my family sits down to dinner and there is food before us made by those hands, we can thank God for providing food and friends and true community that groups up together to help bear each other's burdens. Even if that burden is just getting a healthy dinner on the table.

Thank you, heroes! You know who you are :)