For My Daughter

Dear C,

Happy Birthday, darling girl! It is hard for me to think that you are four years old and that I only know about a tiny little piece of your life up to this point. Saturday was hard for me to think about you, not knowing when we will be together. Turning four is a big deal! To me it feels like you've gone from toddler to little girl. And we missed your whole babyhood. I wonder, with your brothers and sister, if you will feel very sad that we do not have a baby book for you. Those baby days were spent with your first mother, who I know still loves you as only a mother can.

I wish I knew more of her than just the couple of pictures we have. How did she choose your name? Did you kick a lot when she was pregnant with you? What were the special moments that you shared? I want to be able to tell you everything about her. To honor her in a way that is fitting for a mother who has bravely made a choice no mother can fathom. And to somehow make peace with the fact that she has chosen me to be your mama. Oh, the weight of that, sweet girl. How will I ever do that justice....

I don't know if we will be able to meet your first mother or have any of our questions answered. I pray that someday we will know more of her. On your birthday I am quite sure she was thinking of you, and longing for you, just like I was. And it breaks my heart to think about.

Mixed with the grief, there is also joy as I think about you joining our family. The pictures and video that we've seen of you only reinforce what others have told us---- you are independent, beautiful, happy, and.......loud! Descriptions of your personality remind us so much of your sister, who cannot wait to share her clothes, and toys, and room with you in time. I can picture you and L here with us. At the kitchen table, in the backyard, at school. It is starting to feel more real.

Praying you home, baby girl. We truly have no idea when you will be here with us and it can threaten to overtake us sometimes. But, God is good. My darling, God is in charge of it all. He loves you and your brother so very much. He loves your first mother so very much. And he loves this family that you will soon be part of very much, too. He's going to work it all together into some kind of beautiful mess and we get to be part of that story. Glory.

We have fallen so in love with you. Cannot wait to have you in our arms and sing/shout some songs about our Savior :)

So much love,
Your mama