Love and Loss

I am sitting here at my desk, a framed picture of C and L right beside me. These two, for whom we have prayed many weeks, live a world away in Haiti and it is a bit surreal.

This week we were officially matched with them and part of me wants to shout out and introduce our community to our new son and daughter! But today there's a bigger part of me that is sad and fearful and questioning God.

Our family knows from experience, as many families do, that nothing is for sure when it comes to adoption. All of our hearts were broken in May, 2010, when Gabrieal was born but did not come home with us to be our son as we anticipated he would. Working through that pain with our big kids was harder than most things we've had to do as parents.

And the fear is creeping up again. In them and in me. Yes, I'm attached to these two lovelies in Haiti that I hope will be my son and daughter. But I can't fully embrace it just yet. The what ifs are too great. I did not think we would have birthmother angst when we started this international adoption process. Maybe naively, I didn't think we would adopt a child or children who have a living parent.

So there's that. C and L have a mother who is placing them for adoption because she is very ill and very poor and very young and doesn't know what would happen to them if and when she dies. That is the ugly truth.

So even though we are confident she has been counseled thoroughly on what this means, I still fear that she will change her mind. And honestly, if she could, I would want her to parent her two children! But if that is going to happen, I just don't know if I can take the four kids I have here in the US with me through the heartbreak again. I do know the chances are extremely small that she would change her mind.... but it's happened to us before. Sigh.

And even if their mother does not change her mind, what if the country of Haiti shuts down adoptions altogether while we wait? How do we deal with that?

So today, I look at those precious two faces next to me and wonder if it could really be true that they will be mine one day. This song just came on and, well, pretty much broke me down... again. Here's the lyrics that cut right through me:

Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves


Adoption is "love like a hurricane" as another lyric of this song puts it. Hurricanes are not fun. Not pretty. Not peaceful. And can be very very scary. Adoption is a messy, sloppy, wet kiss. But a kiss, nonetheless. I have to trust that He's loving me, and my kids, not despite the storm---but by sending his love directly to us in the form of the hurricane called adoption.

And when it all comes down, I don't have time to maintain these regrets. So we will try to be all in. Love these two as our own from this day on, even knowing that there is risk. And I'm going to try to remember that He uses all things. All things.

What God Will Do (the longest blog post ever...)

I have not blogged in a very long time. Many, many blog entries have been composed in my head, however! I considered blogging around May 12 but was too down in the dumps to do it. Had a really hard time around the birthday of Gabrieal, our "almost son" in Indiana. If you don't know that story and are interested, there are several posts about it in May, 2010.

Very shortly after adopting our son, we determined we would adopt again. But, let me tell you, the amount of clarity we had with adopting Asher has been very much lacking this time around. We have kind of floundered around thinking it should be foster/adopt, international, newborn through our agency.... all the while looking for, begging God to give us peace and direction.

I have joked with some of you that my only hobby is stalking adoption blogs and photolisting websites for kids available for adoption. Some of you are also blogstalkers, and I know you understand :). For the rest of you, it's kind of hard to explain. I think to some it might seem like "shopping" for a child or something. That sounds repulsive. When I have been looking at all these beautiful children available for adoption God has done two things: 1)my heart is more and more broken for the orphan and 2) He has directed me to intercede in prayer for a few that have really touched my heart.

The really cool thing is that several children our family has prayed for, based only on a picture and short description, are no longer listed on the site! I am choosing to believe that means they have found their families :).

In my blog hopping, I always check our agency's website for available situations, too. They normally have just newborns, but occasionally will have toddlers available to place. A few weeks ago I saw that a 2 1/2 year old was being placed. I got in touch with the agency and it was a whirlwind of communication and hubby and I trying to decide if we could really do this--- and soon!!. That situation fell through quite rapidly as the mother placed the child with his grandmother. But the following day the agency told me about a 3 year old that would be placed! We were all in by then and agreed that we would like for our profile to be shown to the birthmother. Well.... that situation didn't work out either and the child was not placed for adoption after all.

So we've been in this place a bit of feeling like we're open to God and will walk through doors until he closes them. But it hasn't been easy. I, in particular, am not patient. I would very much prefer God to just make something happen quickly rather than wait on His timing. Usually I think my timing is better. So dumb.

I have continued, to my husband's dismay, to pursue my hobby with passion :). Never stopped checking the photolistings, praying for the kids and orphanages, foster homes and parents adopting. But mostly just for the kids. And truthfully I always kind of suspected and hoped that someone would catch my eye and I'd know, without doubt, that he or she was OURS.

Here's where it gets good.

I was looking at the Reece's Rainbow site, which I don't look at very often. Historically it has shown and raised awareness for children with Down Syndrome, mainly from European countries. Since we have felt drawn to adopt another brown skinned beauty, I have never felt that I would "find" our next child on this site.

Then I saw the three of them.

Thalia, Kenny, and Calvin (photolisting names, but not their real names). Three children with the most beautiful brown skin, available for adoption, with special needs. My heart skipped, I showed my hubby......and he sort of grunted and rolled his eyes. He has not been in a place to really consider adding to the family and is always worried when I show him pictures that I'm going to say---there he/she is! Our child!

I may or may not have just gone ahead and sent an email to Reece's Rainbow, inquiring about one of the children...without my hubby's knowledge....

The next day (4th of July holiday) I received an email back! Of course, the general information I asked about was included, but so were five additional pictures and a complete bio of the child. Man oh man. They know when they've got ya. Yes, I got attached, and yes, I thought she was possibly ours.

But I had that little problem of letting hubby in on it...

I asked him that morning if he wanted more information about the child who's picture I showed him the night before. He begrudgingly agreed and we started talking more seroiusly about possibly adopting internationally, and possibly this child.

In the email they mentioned Children Of the Promise. I had no idea what that was, but in consulting "The Google," found out that it is the orphanage where these three sweeties live. Of course I had to see if youtube would have anything to offer....and found a 10 minute video about the orphanage.

I also found out that it was started by the Bonnemas from Prinsburg,MN. Stop. What?

Yup. Bonnema is my husband's grandmother's maiden name. She grew up in Prinsburg. It is a town of 300. Two hours from where hubby grew up. Weird.

So then my MIL reminded us that her brother and sis in law lived in Prinsburg and would take trips to this country frequently with their daughter. Could it be to this orphanage?

Why yes, it could, and is.

They have not been there since the three sweeties arrived, so don't know them personally, but told us about the orphanage and how great it is :)

Then, it gets even better. Just wait!

Through the day M reminded me that his best friend growing up and his family also live in Prinsburg. Maybe they have heard of this place? Text message sent asking if they've heard of Children of the Promise.

M's friend called right back and left a voicemail something to the effect of, "We need to talk soon...." Ok....

We called back and found out that yes, they do know about the orphanage. In fact, they just got back a few days prior from spending a month there with their kids!!! They not only know the little sweeties, but have helped care for and play with them!!!

And.....

.....also are considering adopting the same sweetie that had melted our hearts :)

Now really, what are the odds? (I'm sure my accountant hubs would like to figure this out, but I can just tell you, the odds are ginormous!!!) We both found the same child in a different country by two totally different means and both feel the possible call to adopt her!

So now what? Well.... we're all praying and praying. For clarity, for her, for peace, for her, for eachother, for HER. There is a measure of sadness that I have because I thought she was ours. I am beginning to think she is theirs.

But I know one thing for sure. God loves this little girl and she's gonna have one amazing story about two best friends who grew up together in a small town, and found her across the world in completely different ways. And WANTED her. She is loved and wanted and the four of us will make sure she ends up in one of our homes.

As for our family.... well, God has done it again. He has narrowed our focus in and pointed us to a specific country, a specific orphanage, and a specific special need. Whether this sweetie is ours or not, we will keep walking through these doors and, if not her, hope to bring one of her buddies from the orphanage home to us very soon.

Only God could orchestrate this. His humor and timing are the best :)

My Ebenezer

We celebrated the finalization of our baby's adoption yesterday. What a great day with family and dear friends in the courtroom with us as A receieved, legally, his new name! While he has been our son from June 1st, this step was more significant than I imagined. The idea of adoption and being given a new name....well...it just hit me with the parallels of us being adopted by God. He gives us new names, too. Previously our names were "sinner, pit-dweller, gossiper, thief, murderer...."

But now...

Our names are "holy, dearly loved, pure ones, children of GOD!" Oh yes, receiving a new name is significant indeed.

And of course at year's end I can't help but reflect on 2010. It is hard to believe that one year ago adoption was not even on our radar. Indulge me while I relive some of the events leading us to our son.

Mid January, 2010, we were sitting in our church service and listening to our pastor speak. The only part of his message that I remember was when he said that sometimes setting aside our own plans to follow the will of God can be "excruciating." And then an overwhelming feeling came over me that we were supposed to adopt. Now. Understand me when I say that this does not normally happen for me! (wish it would more) I fully believe that God speaks to people, but I have never had him speak so clearly into my life as he did that day and in the days following.

Without giving every detail, let me just tell you that it was extremely clear over the next week that we were to adopt. A baby. Transracially. Using this agency. God used specific people in our lives including my father-in-law, oldest son, and even our pediatrician and a work acquaintance. By week's end both hubby and I were feeling like if we did not pursue this it would be like giving God the middle finger. It was that clear.

I want to remember this year vividly for the rest of my life. It is my Ebenezer! (Fitting for Christmas, I know :>) I am no theologian, so for those of you who are, I apologize for my surface knowledge of this idea. From my understanding, an Ebenezer stone was a biblical way of marking a place for remembrance. It means "stone of help" and signifies God's real and holy presence in our lives and in specific situations. In some ways, our son himself is my Ebenezer. I cannot look at him without acknowleding God's real and holy presence in my life. Even in the many, many days when things are hard and I'm starting to fall apart.

Well, speaking of my Ebenezer, he's awake now and needs his mama. I can say now, with confidence, that no one else is his mama besides this woman sitting here remembering......Thank you, God. You gave me a living, breathing "stone of remembrance" testifying to your holiness, help, and LOVE!

Letters to Outer Space

I wrote birthmama, S, another letter yesterday and I must admit it is getting harder and harder. This is the fourth letter I've written since A's birth. I like to think that she can't wait to get the package in the mail, read the letter, look at the pictures, marvel at how happy we all look.....and be confident over and over again in her decision. Sigh. For all I know she may have never opened a single one. Maybe it's too hard. I would understand that.

We have one way communication. I know nothing more than that she and her daughter have an apartment, in a certain city, and she found a good job. Grateful to know even that much, I try to remind myself that I knew it would be this way. We send letters and pictures to update and reassure her that he's doing well. There is no obligation on the other end. Today I am longing to know more. To know her. For him. I am afraid we will lose touch. That the agency will eventually tell us that the packages keep coming back and that she has not called to update her address. I know several families in that situation and the agency pretty much told us to expect it. In time, they say, that's just what happens.

Ok, so I'm going to admit something that you might judge me for. I watch the show, "Teen Mom." One couple that is featured placed their baby for adoption at birth. On this week's episode, they had their first meeting with their daughter and her parents. It hurt my heart to watch, even though it was a very positive thing for them all. There was redemption evident, but the cost is so high.

And of course it makes me think about us. I don't have much faith that A will meet S. It saddens me. And then it relieves me. And then it breaks my heart. For some reason that God only knows, we have been called to not only be A's parents, but to try to minister to the heart of his birthmama. With each letter we try to remind her of God's great big love for her and her daughter mixed with details like how A is a super-drooler and has a smile as big as his face :). I feel guilty sometimes. Sometimes I feel like the replacement. That she should have been his mother.

We will keep sending letters and pictures every month for another couple of months, then every three months indefinitely. I would love to hear back from her....but I'm not counting it.

Having It All

I was going to get a pedicure today. Had an appointment and everything. But God, as He does, spoke to me yesterday afternoon. Through Facebook. A friend posted a link to this blog:

http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/

One of the entries shows pictures of her five adopted children interspersed with pictures of stuff and vacation destinations. In the entry she says she would choose those kiddos "again and again and again" over the stuff. I can get whiny and irritated and downright resentful at how much adoption costs. Maybe there is reform that is needed; I can't say I've researched it enough to have an educated opinion. But something I read in this blog hit me square. I think that we, as Christians especially, want to "have it all."

It's a different kind of "have it all" than "the world." (boy, I'm using a lot of quotation marks) And that's dangerous. See, I think the kind of thing I'm guilty of is wanting to have it all in that I truly do want to help others, adopt a child, and generally save the world, if you will. But I ALSO want to wear cute clothes, have a nice haircut, live in a home that I'm proud of and send my kids to private school. I want it all.

Today I'm thinking about just how much, or what, I'm willing to give up for the sake of something else that really matters. So for today I canceled the pedicure and put that money in a jar. I wonder how much I could save if I did this with the new clothes I want, the dinners out, the venti latte....you get the idea. How long would it take to save the tens of thousands of dollars it takes to adopt with this method?

Frankly, I'm kind of tired of "having it all." Even the Christian version. I feel a challenge coming on. Anyone in?

Less Like Breakdown

Well, this past week was rough. For whatever reasons I just kind of had a meltdown midweek that had me wondering what in the world we are doing. I know that other people feel this way, too, but when you're in that moment it just feels like you're the only one. Parenting is hard work. So is working, being married, maintaining friendships, and trying to bear witness to God's goodness through action. Life, in short, is hard. And for whatever reason, this week the hardness of life outweighed the beauty (at least in my own head...) and I went over the edge a little bit. My poor hubby. Unfortunately he is the recipient of said breakdown emotional outbursts and the i-can't-deal-with-life-anymore monologues. Because I can get it together pretty well for other people. I mean, I functioned at work this week and saw some people socially who (i don't think, anyway) didn't really wonder what the bleep was wrong with me. Or maybe they did.

I am in a better place today. A song I love has come into my head. Sara Groves wrote it and there are a few great lines. Indulge me while I quote:

Every day it's
Less like tearing more like building
Less like captive more like willing
Less like breakdown more like surrender
Less like haunting more like remember


And the song just has me thinking that I can use the same emotions to break down that I can to just surrender. I cannot do life on my own. We cannot parent these four kids on our own (Lord help us and them if we try!) Period. When I try it just gets worse and the people around me get beat up. It is not the way of Jesus to think we need to have it all "together." There has been no time in my life when I've felt less "together" than now.

I can't say that I feel exactly grateful for the breakdown. But it does lead me to a place of knowing I need to trust Him with my life. Surrendering to my all-knowing-all-loving God sure sounds better to me at this point. We'll see how this week goes.

We Get To Be

Last Sunday I had the chance to briefly talk about our experience with adoption and how we felt God moving us. A "burning bush moment," if you will. The message in church was on Moses, going about his every day thing, minding his own business, and then God shows up in the form of a burning bush :) Haha. Makes me smile because I really feel like that's what happened to me/us in late January of this year. I have been made aware that I kind of just jumped into this blogging thing in the middle of our journey. Some of you don't know the whole backstory and want to (!). That will have to wait for another post because I have my sweet babe in my arms as I type and that's not one I can just quickly shoot out one handed...

Yesterday I was reminded by the Indigo Girls (love 'em) that, "We get to be a ripple in the water. We get to be a rock that's thrown." Somehow, by the grace of God (and I truly mean that because I was just a blubbering idiot up front and really don't even know what I said... sigh) my telling a little bit about our story touched some people and a few came up to me afterwards wanting to talk adoption in more detail. Kinda feel like God took us and threw us into the adoption water. If, through us stumbling towards obedience there are some ripples happening, then to God be all the glory! Nothing would make me happier than to see more children, birthmamas, and families of all types come to know the love of God more richly through adoption.