To Haiti and Back: Part One

This has all been rolling around in my mind since we returned from Haiti on July 28.  So much to process.  So much to be grateful for.  It's so hard to answer people when they ask how the trip was.  It was so many things.

The week before we left was a little crazy.  For whatever reasons, we were running on little sleep each night, trying to prepare for our trip and doing various other things.  I have never been one to feel anxious about , leaving my kids (in fact, I've usually very much looked forward to the break!), but this time I was filled with worry and concern.  I think the unknown of it all crept out in my emotions about everything.

Many people expressed their happiness that we were able to go and asked if we were excited.  If I was feeling like being truthful, and thought they could handle this answer, I would tell them that we really weren't excited.  We wanted to meet the kids, of course.  But I knew that leaving them there and returning home with still no idea on when they would be coming home.... it would all be harder.  We would not be able to let the kids know that we were their parents (a policy I fully endorse and appreciate), which we knew would be very difficult for us. 

We set out early on a Saturday morning, taking our oldest son with us as a very last minute decision.  Stopping over at my brother's place in Tampa, our oldest stayed there while we went on to Haiti.  Neither of us slept much that night before our flight to Miami and then Port-Au-Prince.  We both were a bundle of nerves thinking of all the logistics of the trip, anticipating high-running emotions, and hoping that we'd wake up early enough to catch the taxi to the airport!

We made the flight to Miami and then spent 7 hours waiting for our PAP flight.  I honestly don't know what we did with that time.  Both of us had books, and thank you cards to write, and I suppose we could have even had conversations with each other.  But somehow those hours are all a blur as we waited to board the plane.  At the gate there were many different teams of people in matching tshirts.  Short term mission trips to Haiti appeared to be popular.  We both have been on similar trips and it was really interesting to now have a quite different perspective on that.

Horror stories about the PAP airport had been told, so we were unsure what to expect.  On the plane, we ended up sitting next to a guy from the States who has been to Haiti over 100 times.  He gave us the inside scoop on how to navigate the airport and it was all rather smooth.  Going through immigration was kind of funny.  The guy taking our passports did not even look at me, nor the pic in my passport.  Stamped it and sent me on my way!  After handing our paper to the customs guy, we were off to brave Haiti :).

We easily made our way out of the gates, and no one even harassed us about our bags-- maybe because we had only backpacks.  Or maybe because my husband is a very tall man and I told him to "own" his height :)  We were to look for someone holding a sign with our last names on it.  That would be our attorney/and/or driver.  After about 10 minutes of circling the little waiting area by the taxis, we figured something was not right.  Luckily, we had phone numbers and had figured out our cell situation while in Haiti!  One problem---we didn't know how to effectively dial the numbers to actually complete a phone call...

I was so proud of us that we did not panic or go into "eyeore" mode, as we like to call it.  Mitch quickly spotted a Haitian man with the same logo on his shirt that our airplane friend had!  Hooray!  We approached him and told him we just met Frank.  It was as though we had known eachother for years after that.  Mitch told him our problem and asked him to dial the number for us, which he did.  It worked!  We got through!  However.... after the call Mitch was totally unsure if it had been communicated clearly that we were actually at the airport and waiting to be picked up.  Our new buddy must have sensed this because he said, "Do you want me to call him back and make sure he understands?"  Yes, please.  And within ten minutes we had met Ivinge, the adoption attorney/adoption tour guide extraordinaire!  A smile for miles and the nicest man you'll ever meet.  His driver, on the other hand.... let's just say he had a very stern demeanor.....

The Beauty of Enormous Things

I've been a little bit down lately. Things like the wait of this adoption process and some tough conversations have weighed on me and made me whiny. And I don't like it.

So, it has become necessary (again) to mark my ebenezers and write down all the things I can think of that this journey has brought our way. Things that couldn't have happened without it.

Here goes.

1. Crazy, awesome, astounding and miraculous way we landed on Children of the Promise in Haiti, and subsequently our two amazing kiddos, C and L. See below for the seriously unbelievable way we and our friends "found" the same little girl in Haiti and how, because of her, there are four orphans that will have families now :).

2. New besties. There are people I have met through adopting that I would not have met any other way. People that I love and care about deeply and consider some of my best friends. These are people I did not know a year ago that seriously love me and give the kind of support and encouragement (and sometimes a much needed, "get over yourself") that only they can provide.

3. Coins and dollars and haircuts and concerts. We are completely humbled at how many people have collected money in "adoption jars," cut our hair for free, donated large sums of money to defray our adoption costs, and offered to give of their time and talents to help us bring C and L home. In the process we have learned to receive with joy and see that it does take a village to bring these two home. And the village is here and willing!

4. Dependence on God. I know that sounds like the "right" thing to say, but it's true. Sadly, if there were more things we could actually do to bring the kids home, I'm afraid we'd just do them and work in our own power and totally miss some of the above awesomeness. Don't think I'm at a point of saying I'm grateful for the wait---but it is true that I can see the value and the gift in it. Without being put in such a position of feeling helpless, I don't think we would go to the One who is our help, strength and source nearly as much or with such desperation.

5. Seeing God as the master story writer. The sheer number of "coincidences" in this story He's writing with our lives is shocking. It feels like everything and everyone is connected with such purpose now.


Sometimes this process and this raising of lots of kids feels too hard and I wonder what God was thinking when He asked us to do it. But then I think about all of the above. His hand is all over everything and there is no doubt in my mind that we are saying "yes" to the God of it all.

This story is only beginning....

For My Daughter

Dear C,

Happy Birthday, darling girl! It is hard for me to think that you are four years old and that I only know about a tiny little piece of your life up to this point. Saturday was hard for me to think about you, not knowing when we will be together. Turning four is a big deal! To me it feels like you've gone from toddler to little girl. And we missed your whole babyhood. I wonder, with your brothers and sister, if you will feel very sad that we do not have a baby book for you. Those baby days were spent with your first mother, who I know still loves you as only a mother can.

I wish I knew more of her than just the couple of pictures we have. How did she choose your name? Did you kick a lot when she was pregnant with you? What were the special moments that you shared? I want to be able to tell you everything about her. To honor her in a way that is fitting for a mother who has bravely made a choice no mother can fathom. And to somehow make peace with the fact that she has chosen me to be your mama. Oh, the weight of that, sweet girl. How will I ever do that justice....

I don't know if we will be able to meet your first mother or have any of our questions answered. I pray that someday we will know more of her. On your birthday I am quite sure she was thinking of you, and longing for you, just like I was. And it breaks my heart to think about.

Mixed with the grief, there is also joy as I think about you joining our family. The pictures and video that we've seen of you only reinforce what others have told us---- you are independent, beautiful, happy, and.......loud! Descriptions of your personality remind us so much of your sister, who cannot wait to share her clothes, and toys, and room with you in time. I can picture you and L here with us. At the kitchen table, in the backyard, at school. It is starting to feel more real.

Praying you home, baby girl. We truly have no idea when you will be here with us and it can threaten to overtake us sometimes. But, God is good. My darling, God is in charge of it all. He loves you and your brother so very much. He loves your first mother so very much. And he loves this family that you will soon be part of very much, too. He's going to work it all together into some kind of beautiful mess and we get to be part of that story. Glory.

We have fallen so in love with you. Cannot wait to have you in our arms and sing/shout some songs about our Savior :)

So much love,
Your mama

A Letter To My Son

Dear Boy of Mine,

I wish so much that I could be with you tomorrow to wish you a Happy Second Birthday! I wish that you could have birthday donuts with the whole family and get to choose the very best one, because it's your birthday, after all. I wish that you could have a Happy Birthday banner made with love by all these siblings that you don't yet know you have. I wish that we were all together and that you could rip open the gifts your grandparents are waiting to spoil you with. I wish your same age brother could give you a big sloppy kiss rather than just the framed picture of you that we have in our dining room.

For now, sweet boy, I am forced to trust God with His timing. Usually it's with feet kicking and sometimes with fists to the sky, but God's working something in us through all of this waiting.

I am praying, my darling, that this is the last birthday you will ever spend without us.

Loving you from way too far away,

Your Mama

Giveaway!

Well, lovely throng of readers, here it is! The publishers of Jen Hatmaker's book, Seven, sent me a copy to give away to one lucky person :). You will want to win, my friends, because this is a good book. And I think God could change you like He seems to be trying to change me---to "wage war," as Jen puts it, against things in this life that JUST DON'T MATTER. Or that get in the way of relationships with God and people. Or that threaten to suck the life right out of us.

So here's how it will work. Just leave a comment here that you want to be entered into the drawing. On Saturday, January 21, I shall put your lovely names into a hat (or some other container) and allow my almost five year old daughter to pick out the name of the winner! The winner will then be announced via blog post and facebook and I'll arrange with you how to get the book in your hot little hands.

And if you don't win.... go get the book anyway.

Seven

I was first introduced to Jen Hatmaker's writing via a blog post that a friend of mine forwarded to me. She had me at:

"I'm going to tell you something; a little confession, if you will. Some of you will pull your hair out and smear your faces with ashes and put all my books on eBay and quit believing in God, but I'm willing to take that risk: I'm really, really glad all my kids are back in school. There. I said it. The three children that I birthed and nursed and raised from scratch, and the two children we begged and cried and screeched for and fetched from Africa...all five of these kids are in school. And I am happy, so happy, happy, happy, happy, hip-hip-hooray Mary Poppins happy. "

Oh how I love sending children to school :). This initial little snippet from her blog made me feel like it was ok to have a large family, be a Christian, adopt children, and not homeschool. And I needed it on that day.

Reading on, I appreciated Jen's honesty, most of all, but also her humor. I kept telling people about her blog saying, "I promise you will laugh and cry with each post." It has been true for me every time.

I became such a fan that I even posted a facebook status that said something like, "Jen Hatmaker is my hero!"

I also tried to friend her on facebook, even messaging her that we have a mutual acquaintance...but she has not accepted :(

Being the fan that I am, imagine my delight when a couple of weeks ago a little email showed up asking if I wanted to review her new book, "7." I vaguely remember responding to something on her blog asking if fellow bloggers would like to review the book. Guess I was in touch and fooled them into thinking I'm a real blogger, cuz before I knew it, the digital copy of the book was in my hot little hands :) Happy!

I dug right in and finished that puppy in a couple of days. When I was explaining to my husband what the book is about, he gave me a look and said, "oh, no." Yep, it's that kind of book. In her new book, Jen (I feel like if I'm reviewing a book I'm supposed to refer to her as "Hatmaker," but that seems weird) in her own words, embarks on:

"A seven-month experimental mutiny against excess, tackling seven areas of overconsumption in the spirit of a fast; a fast from greed, irresponsibility, apathy, and insatiability. Each area boiled down to just seven choices for a month:Food.Clothes.Possessions.Media.Waste.Spending.Stress.Only seven foods for a month. Only seven pieces of clothes for a month. Give away seven things we own a day for a month. Eliminate seven forms of media for a month. Adopt seven substantial habits for a greener life. Spend money in only seven places. Practice "seven sacred pauses" a day and observe the Sabbath...a deeply reduced life to find a greatly increased God."

Yeah. It's that kind of book. I knew before reading it that I would be challenged to experience the mutiny for myself. She has a way of writing that is so inspiring and convicting, but never from a condescending point of view. It is so clear in her book that the Hatmaker family struggles with making these choices every day, just like my family struggles to not complain about things like the DVR not working. I mean, really, people. But somehow as Jen writes about these things, she can be so witty and hilarious!

So, even though my family was pretty much against it at first, we started the month of January giving seven things away every day. You know what the sad thing is? Here we are on the 6th of the month and it hasn't even been hard. Like no sacrifice. Like I can't even remember what we gave away on day one. And that's part of this, I guess. Not only to make sacrifices, but to realize how MUCH we have and how we only seem to want more. It seems the perfect time for me, and our family to an extent , to do something like this. (I had to promise my 9 year old I wouldn't make him do it. Explaining it to him left him in tears, saying "that sounds like the Old Testament law! Jen, can you come explain it to him? It didn't sound like that at all to me when reading your book!) If you are reading this, you already know that we are adopting two children from Haiti. We are now in the huge abyss that is the time between paperwork being done, and going to get them. It could take years.

So, for me, this is going to be a fast of sorts. And a way to remember my children in Haiti. To pray for them, to acknowledge that my life is overflowing with stupid things and stuff that I don't even care about, and to focus on Jesus more than my crap. Anyone else in?

I will also be holding a giveaway for, ahem, my HUGE throng of readers! (which means the chances are extremely good that you will win, mom, Dawn, Laurie, Tammy, or Karen!) Stand by for the details on the giveaway for a copy of Jen's book!! Hooray!!

Thank you, Jen Hatmaker, for putting into words some honest truth.
(Now will you friend me on facebook?)

Real

It came on Thursday of this week and I still can't quite believe it. The amazing orphanage where our children currently live, sent little boy's handprints and a Thanksgiving picture made from little girl's hand and feet tracings! It was providential, I believe, that God allowed me to come home after work to an empty house to open this package and soak it in. My other children would probably have wondered why a paper turkey would make mama cry like that. I was so thankful to have a few minutes to just trace their little hand outlines with my finger, knowing that these two are REAL! This proves it!
I know that probably sounds really weird. I mean, of course they are real. We have pictures of them both, along with medical information, social background, and information about their birthmother. We email the agency and orphanage adoption coordinator often and hubby's second cousin is even the nurse there. Of course I know that these two are real. But somehow having evidence of the actual size of their little hands and feet, on paper they touched and worked with, just hit my heart in a new way. My two children in Haiti are real. And they made Thanksgiving crafts for us. Thinking about it still chokes me up.
God keeps giving and giving. We've now been told to expect a 1-2 YEAR wait until our children can come home. Just when that seems unimaginable and I want to kick my feet and shout at the sky that it's really not fair, something like this happens. Something to make me remember just who holds it all together. Again, why do I doubt my God? My God who holds all people, all time, all everything in his loving hands. Including me. Including my family, even though we are apart.

Yes, my children in Haiti are real. And so is my God! Amen.